Sunday, January 1, 2012

As It Stands Proudly Presents a Survival Guide for 2012


     By Dave Stancliff/For The Times Standard

   Happy New Year!
   You did it. You survived, and hopefully thrived, for another year.
   Today you can throw out last year’s survival strategies and draw up a new one, or if I may suggest, use my Survival Guide to cope with challenges coming up in 2012.
   For starters, rip up that list of well-intentioned resolutions. You’re not going to keep them  anyway. With that pressure off you can relax and read some helpful tips for the year ahead.
   How to cope with the gathering of clowns known as Congress:
1) Clear your mind of any expectation of meaningful laws passed this election year.
2) Put your Congressman on an election hit list (they all come up for re-election at one time or another)  and vote for Daffy Duck if no credible candidate steps forward.
3.) Sit back, have some popcorn, and let the clowns entertain you. Laughter is good for your health.
   Things to avoid:
 1) Investing in the stock market unless you’ve had a full physical and mental evaluation, have money to burn, and don’t mind riding a financial roller coaster throughout the year.
 2) Buying Honey unless from a bee keeper or local source because 75% of what’s sold in stores is not technically honey. Most honey sold in the United States is processed through filtration that removes virtually all of the pollen naturally occurring in the product.
  In no particular order:
1) If you’re a woman planning to go on a holiday, don’t pick Aruba.
2) If you’re a man looking for a place to lose a pesky woman, pick Aruba.

  When on the internet:
1) Don’t feed the trolls.
2) If an offer looks too good to be true, it probably is. Beware of collecting prizes for contests you never entered.
   Getting along with fellow workers:
1) Always smile, even when you stab someone in the back, in order to maintain an air of professionalism at your workplace.
2) Bullied by your boss? Get a photo of your boss by whatever means. Drain the water out of your toilet and have an artist paint your boss’s picture (from the photo for reality) in the bowl. You’ll get even every day and not lose your job!

   Ways to pass time when bored:
1) Bungee jump off high bridges.
2) Watching people bungee jumping off high bridges and listening to their gut-wrenching screams! Especially first-timers.
    When followed around by a pesky sales clerk in a store:
1) Whip out a undercover police ID Badge (fake of course) and demand to know who they really work for?
2) Claim to be a long-lost relative in need of financial help and count the seconds it takes for the salesperson to disappear.
  How to know when to trust people:
1) If they’re a politician and their lips are moving, you know they’re lying.
2) If a person has no problem taking a lie-detector test with a list of questions you provide, it’s safe to say you can trust them. You may even want to marry them if you are single.

   Keys to coping with bad days:
1) Eat or drink chocolate while reading a good book or listening to music.
2) Use humor in any shape or form. For example, draw a funny face of whoever is ruining your day and use it as a dart board.
   Advice for controlling anger:
1) Think about funny things you’ve seen and heard…then smile and flip your tormentor the bird! 
2) Don’t be around rude or stupid people. Warning: this may mean staying in your house for the next 364 days!
    As It Stands,  this survival guide is list of suggestions. Please feel free to modify it for a more personal fit.

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