Not So Friendly Skies and Airplanes for Dictators

I can still hear that 1965 United Airlines slogan, "Fly the friendly skies" with a touch of nostalgia.

Since then, it's been updated to, "Good Leads the Way," which has nothing to do with flying and sucks as a slogan.

One thing is for certain; the skies are not so friendly these days as air traffic controllers lose contact with pilots in what's becoming a common occurrence in American aviation recently. Newark Airport's problems, like losing radar for short periods of time are terrifying to say the least. It turns out that United Airlines is bearing the brunt of Newark airport's chaos. 

The issue at Newark, where nearly 70% of the flights are operated by United, has been financially disastrous for the company as cancellations and delays have taken a heavy toll. The summer travel season, typically the industry's most profitable period, is fast approaching. 

The blow comes as the industry grapples with slowing travel demand following the economic fallout of Trump's ridiculous trade war. 

While we're on the subject of airplanes did you hear the one about Trump wanting a flying palace so that he could keep up with his dictator friends? 

The Qatari royal family plans on giving Trump his very own palace in the sky (worth about $400m). 

This "gift" is a blatant violation of the Emoluments Clause of the U.S. Constitution that prohibits officials from accepting gifts, emoluments, office, or titles from foreign government without the consent of Congress.

Trump doesn't care what anyone thinks. He wants a new fancy airplane to increase his profile as a dictator. Some of his minions are trying to make the bribe look like a legitimate offering by suggesting the airplane is being donated to Defense Department and will eventually go to the Donald J. Trump Library. Three guesses who could then fly in it anytime he wanted to.

I have to admit I'm surprised that some of Trump's biggest supporters have serious reservations about the deal. MAGA influencers have described the move as a "bribe," grift, or an example of the high-level corruption that Trump himself has consistently promised to root out. 

Anyone who thinks Qatar is giving Trump a $400m jet out of the goodness of their sweet little hearts is wrong, according to conservative commentator Ben Shapiro during a recent podcast. Even MAGA nut Laura Loomer criticized the move, calling it "a stain" and posted a cartoon of the Trojan Horse, redrawn as a plane and filled with armed Islamist militants.

Apparently, Trump's memory is pretty poor because he accused Qatar of being "a terrorist state" during his first stint in the White House. Funny how things can change when the bribe is big enough.

As it Stands, I had to laugh when Trump's Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt recently told reporters that "this administration is committed to transparency." In the real-world Trump's regime is about as transparent as a triple thick brick wall.

Evolutionary Social Flaw? Why is it so Much Fun to be Afraid?

I’m fascinated by predators like lions, sharks, and lawyers. Stories about rats creep me out, but I continue to read them. I’ve got a hunch there are others like me who get a perverse thrill from shuddering in terror.

Why else would authors like Stephen King be so popular? I remember watching the original black-and-white movie Frankenstein on late night television in 1960. Like most 10-year-olds, I had an active imagination and couldn’t go to sleep afterwards. I nervously waited for the sun to rise, listening and waiting for Frankenstein to appear. I was sure he was lurking outside my room.

For some reason I thought no monster would dare appear during the day. I knew that was the case with werewolves and vampires, and just assumed Frankenstein was a nocturnal monster as well.

Look at roller coasters. They’re all about scaring us witless. The combination of speed, sudden turns, and gravity defying dives nearly always produces screams of sheer terror from riders. Yet afterward, when the world stops spinning and stomachs stop churning, they get back in line for another go!

I’ll never forget my first Zombie movie. It was October 1968, and my best friend Tom (later to become my brother-in-law) and I went to a drive-in theater to see “The Night of the Living Dead.”

For those of you who remember going to drive-in movies back then, the food was terrible. Probably the worst, but most popular item, was pizza. It was like eating cardboard with tomato sauce and cheese smeared frugally on top. We ordered one that night.

Ten minutes into the movie we stopped eating our pizza. Miraculously, our appetites disappeared as we watched people chewing on other people. By today’s standards the movie was tame. At the time, it was considered groundbreaking gore on the big screen and paved the way for countless other Zombie movies. Look at their popularity now.

Talking about scary movies, who can forget when “The Exorcist” came out in 1973? I can still see that disturbing image of demon possessed Linda Blair twisting her head completely around and snarling at the camera.

People liked being terrified by the Exorcist so much it reaped 10 academy award nominations and was the first horror movie ever up for Best Picture. “The Sting” won that year.

I totally blame the movie “Jaws” (1975), for my fear of sharks. Prior to the movie I thought nothing of swimming at Huntington Beach, Redondo Beach, and numerous other beaches in Southern California. Haven’t been in the ocean since 1975.

I don’t care if the movie happened on the East Coast. We have plenty of Great White Sharks on the northern coast of California. There’s been more than one incident in Humboldt County of someone attacked by a Great White while surfing in the frigid waters.

So why do I like being scared for entertainment? I have no idea. I know I’m not alone, however. Fear sells. Write about the world ending or a Zombie invasion of downtown Keokuk, Iowa, and it’ll sell.

Of course, you’re going to have a lot of competition because countless others are also dreaming up terrifying global scenarios to scare our pants off. I read somewhere that because man has no dinosaurs chasing him around anymore, he misses that primal instinct of running for his life from something that wants him for dinner.

In other words, we need an adrenaline rush. People love visiting with lions or tigers while safely separated from their teeth and claws. The same goes for shark aquariums. Watching those cold eyes search for prey sends shudders up our spines.

I think the most feared predators in our society today are lawyers. They look like you and me on the outside, but beneath those suits lurk soulless predators going for our money in court cases.

I’m only half-kidding here. Few things can scare people more than knowing their rival in a lawsuit has a high-powered (translation: unscrupulous) lawyer. How many times have you wondered if someone escaped justice by using a “good lawyer” (translation: one who is famous and wins every time)? That’s scary.

As It Stands, here’s an interesting thought: Is our fascination with wanting to be scared an evolutionary social flaw that contributes to the violence in our violent society today?

Originally published in May of 2013, in the Times-Standard

A Short, Humorous Look at the Long History of Cuisine

Camera pans in; 338,000 years ago, somewhere in Ethiopia two early humans are discussing the merits of meat:

Ug: “I’m sick and tired of eating grubs and berries!”

Nug: “Me too. You know what we got to do?”

Ug: “Yep. Risk our lives hunting down meat that is many times bigger than Nug and Ug. It’s dangerous business, but a good dinosaur steak is hard to beat when you want something good to eat.”

Nug: “Not according to Oop. He says he won’t eat anything with a face and is fine grubbing around for berries and insects.”

Ug: “That’s because Oop is too lazy to hunt down a meat meal. Besides, he’s never been right since getting smacked by that big lizard’s tail.”

Nug: “OK, then. I’ll go get my spear and tell the little lady we may be gone for a few days.”

Ug: “Sounds good. My mouth is watering just thinking about the feast we’re going to have!”

Two months later Nug’s wife and Ug’s girlfriend are now with new hunter-gathers that don’t like meat!

Fast forward to 306 BC Rome. Three wealthy diners are gathered in the triclinium (special dining room) lying on specially design couches (Lectus triclinaris).

Around the table, the mensa, the three diners recline on their lectus and casually eat exotic food brought to them by slaves.

Over a spoonful (cochlear-type spoon with a needle-thin grip, which is also used as a prong to eat snails and mollusks) one of the diners speaks between mouthfuls of lentils imported from Egypt:

Petronius: “Food this good should never be on a dirty peasant’s table. They wouldn’t appreciate the refined flavors.”

Cassius: “Let them eat fava beans, chickpeas, and lupins, I say!”

Marcellus: “Let them eat what we deposit in the vomitorium this very day!”

A hearty round of laughter is followed by gulps of imported wine.

The following morning a city-wide slave revolt results in a round-up of wealthy Romans. It doesn’t take long before fava beans and chickpeas become Petronius, Cassius, and Marcellus’ favorite (and only) food.

Fast Forward to the American Civil War, 1863:

When on campaign, soldiers were issued rations of hardtack crackers (generally nine or 10 crackers) when bread was not available, which was most of the time. Some of the common problems with hardtack were being too hard, wet, moldy, or infested with maggots and weevils. If they boiled their hardtack in coffee they could scrape the weevils off the foam.

Grumbling about hardtack was common and there was a popular song called “Hard Times.” The chorus went,

” ‘Tis the song and the sign of the hungry,

Hard crackers, hard crackers, come again no more!

Many days have lingered on our stomach sore,

Oh, hard crackers, come again no more!”

Soldiers through the ages have complained about rations, and the North and South armies were no different. They did, however, exhibit a wonderful sense of humor when discussing their cuisine!

Fast forward to today.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce … lettuce who? Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!

We eat some pretty weird foods in the good old USA. Sometimes I don’t know if I should chuckle or upchuck. Here are a few examples:

Snake. No, it doesn’t taste like chicken. Take it from me. I tried it. Try frog legs, alligator, or even quail, with a gamey seafood flavor. If you really want the whole experience, you should catch your snake and cook him up yourself. Just remember to carry some antivenom in case he’s quicker than you.

Brain sandwiches. Deep-fried calves’ brains can be found in restaurants all along the Ohio River Valley. I read that squirrel brains were a popular Appalachia food for thought. Unless, that is, you get the wrong squirrel carrying a variation of mad cow disease!

A popular Arizona restaurant serves Chaplines, aka grasshoppers. It’s a traditional food in Mexico and is said to taste like grass, hay, or shrimp. That’s quite a spread. Which is it? I’m not really tempted to find out.

As It Stands, “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” — Mark Twain

Originally published April 14th, 2013, in the Times-Standard