Saturday, December 31, 2022

Happy New Year! No Resolutions Needed Here

I don't know who came up with the stupid idea that making New Year resolutions after a night of drunken revelry should be an annual tradition.

I exaggerate. A lot of people make perfectly sober resolutions that they normally break within days. 

There are exceptions out there that resolve to do positive things for the new year - like lose weight - and actually follow through with them.

I assure you I've only met a few in my lifetime.

As Oscar Wilde so aptly put it, "Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account."

As Andy Borowitz succinctly suggested, "Out with the old, in with the new is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting." 

My favorite quote on resolutions comes from the master himself, Mark Twain, "New Year's Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."

Nowadays I smile nicely when friends and family tell me in all sincerity, they made some new year's resolutions.

I don't outright mock the poor deluded souls because I know they still haven't learned some basic things in life and are bound to keep repeating the habit until they are struck with an enlightening epiphany.

As it stands, I start every new year off with no grand expectations for the year ahead, but ready to celebrate good news should it occure.

Friday, December 30, 2022

With Weary and Wary Eyes Americans Prepare for Another Chaotic Year

As the last hours of 2022 lapse into history Americans are girding themselves for the challenges that lie ahead in 2023.

The dark pall threatening our democracy may dissipate when Trump is finally held accountable for at least some of his crimes next year and in 2024.

But the deep divide between political parties is growing wider every day. It's verbal MMA in Congress with rules and traditions being body slammed by competing visions for America.

To be clear, there's going to be good things happening next year. It's that delicate balance of possibilities that gives us the strength to face another year in our contentious society.

The chance for positive changes like new medicines to fight cancer, are ripe with promise.

One of the biggest challenges facing Americans next year is the mental health crisis. Two years of lockdown because of the pandemic took their toll on people. Suicides were up and crime increased across the nation.

A shell-shocked public has to come to terms with the fact that public massacres - from schools to grocery stores - aren't going away soon. Not until there's a unified nationwide effort to treat the thousands of mentally ill in our society.

Facts are facts. With no honest guiding lights in Congress, we're doomed to repeat this year's mistakes on nearly all counts. 

With Republicans as the new majority in the House there's going to be very little (if any at all) progress made because they don't have an agenda of serving the people who put them in office for 2023. 

GOP lawmakers plan on conducting frivolous investigations with their long-awaited Revenge Tour plans. Meanwhile chaos will reign in The People's House.

As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon."

As it stands, "Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst." Maya Angelou

Thursday, December 29, 2022

There Are No 'Norms" in Our Weather Now

Weather records were shattered so far this winter and the season just got underway.

We might as well get use to unprecedented climate events throughout the year unless a miracle happens and all the countries on earth take serious steps to mitigate the damage.

Multinational oil and gas corporations along with the fossil fuel industry have successfully fought off climate change bills in most of the major countries in the world.

The billions of dollars they generate assures their continual obstruction of any laws to restrain the pollution they create.

Scientists are saying that the climate challenges we currently face are happening sooner than ever predicted. What was once 50-to-100-year projections are happening now according to world climatologists. 

Therefore, we will no longer be able to count on milder winters or summers ahead. The writing is on the wall in places like Buffalo, New York. As of this writing 39 people have died due to the extreme winter conditions. That number is expected to go up in the days ahead.

I wish things weren't like this and mankind wasn't so stubborn, greedy, and destructive. My only wish now is that I won't be around to see the last days of humanity.

As it stands, I'll do my best to enjoy whatever time is left to me and my family.

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

The 'Lame Duck' Days of 2022 Remind Me of 'Groundhog Day'

Have you noticed?

With two days remaining in 2022 we're stuck with endless loops of yesterday's news. 

Year in Review stories are circulating on all the mainstream and social media outlets. All showing the same images carefully selected by a secret board of wealthy censors.

Where's the real time news? 

It's getting compacted into small segments as images from the past take precedence in every broadcast. 

It's like living in the movie "Groundhog Day" as viewers are fed the same images over and over again for days.

Why? Its traditional media historians say.

I don't like that. We should live every day like it's our last and not dwell on the past.

I don't have a problem with celebrating the past year on New Year's Day. One day of remembrance is sufficient. 

Full disclosure...

As a newspaper journalist I know how it makes work easier for editors doing their best with minimal staffs because of the holidays. 

I've done it myself as an editor but always felt a little guilty about using fillers like Year in Review in the lame duck days of the year.

As it stands, now long retired, I cherish each day I have left and live for the moment.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Who Are You Going to Call? Reality Busters!

When you don't like the results of an election who should you call?

The Reality Busters aka the Republican Party.

Did you lose the midterm elections despite the fact that you think you won?

Are you a Trump minion fighting against the Deep State?

Do you think Trump is still president?

Don't worry. Reality means nothing when you have a cabal of election-deniers and outright liars.

That's why Kari Lake (GOP candidate for governor of Arizona who lost the real election) is declaring herself the governor-elect in spite of losing both court cases trying to disenfranchise valid voters.

It's common knowledge that the Republican controlled House of Representatives is morphing into the new Reality Buster headquarters in January.

Now that the last 2022 midterm election denier Kari Lake has failed in her attempt at voter suppression the Reality Busters are turning their wrath against Democrats by holding endless Kangaroo Courts to please their fact-free supporters.

Under the supreme Reality Buster poohbah Trump, the last six years has been a steady denial of facts and truths. His minions can no longer think for themselves, choosing instead to embrace a world of lies being spoon fed to them.

Ironically Trump's loyal base is also a dependable source for grifting as they willingly send him donations that seldom - if ever - go towards the stated goal. He squeezes them like lemons every chance he gets.

Meanwhile Democrats and Independant's are tasked with keeping a grip on the real world by bringing truth to combat the Reality Busters agenda against our republic.

As it stands, historically there's consequences for cults like the Reality Busters, and they're seldom good.

Monday, December 26, 2022

Surviving Our Winter of Discontent in a Rough Year

Parts of the United States are enveloped in a mini- Ice Age as millions of Americans struggle to survive one of the most brutal winters in memory. 

As of this writing 55 winter-related deaths have been reported.

This biblical winter seems to be a fitting end to a tough year in America and the rest of the world.

It's been a year of discontent.

* Wars and famine. 

* Viruses and coups.

* Domestic terrorists attacking our energy grids.

* A bitter year-long campaign for the midterm elections. 

* Trump and QAnon. 

* Political indictments and convictions for seditionists. 

* A record number of fearful immigrants trying to escape their countries and find a better way of life in an America not ready to receive them.

* Truth has been under siege from the Republican party wing that follows Trump's bidding.

My point here is simple.

Despite everything I listed above... here you are. You survived these challenges to our quality of life and are probably looking forward to a new - and - better year.

As it stands, hope springs eternal in all of us, it's keeping the faith that's the hard part.

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Merry Christmas to my Readers

I've been going around wishing a lot of people Merry Christmas because it's traditional for this time of year. Family, friends, and strangers. I also want to add that festive salutation to my readers.

I don't know most of you, yet you keep coming back in greater numbers every year. When I averaged 15,000 readers daily in November it was the pinnacle of As It Stands, my 20-year-old blog.

I'm always quick to point out that I haven't monetized this blog during that time, nor do I intend to in the future. It's always been about a hobby. I love to write. Being retired from the newspaper business, I still need an outlet to express myself.

The opportunity to share my thoughts for free has a certain purity to it.

It allows me to express opinions without upsetting advertisers who play an enormous role in the newspaper industries content.

Next year I'm going to look for a different platform for my blog. This one is a pain-in-the-ass. 

Blogger is old and has numerous problems. I miss the feedback I got for over a decade before something changed on the platform that made subscribing and comments nearly impossible. I wrestled with the Blogger staff for years to no avail.

That's what amazes me. Most of my traffic comes from non-subscribers routinely coming back for more. 

As it stands, I wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Friday, December 23, 2022

Punny Christmas Jokes That You Can Share with Anybody

I thought it would be fun to share some Punny Christmas jokes by Hannah Jeon and Annie O'Sullivan today.

I don't normally run guest contributions, but these two ladies have come up with a gaggle of holiday giggles that would please any audience. With no further ado...

Punny Christmas Jokes

  • What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense? Wait, there's myrrh.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
  • What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
  • What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
  • What do snowmen eat for dessert? Ice crispies.
  • How do you help someone who has lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
  • What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa's workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
  • What do you call a reindeer ghost? Cari-boo!
  • What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A meltdown.
  • Why are elves such great motivational speakers? They have plenty of elf-confidence.
  • Why do reindeer like BeyoncĂ© so much? She sleighs.
  • What reindeer game do reindeer play at sleepovers? Truth or deer.
  • What did Santa say when he stepped into a big puddle? It must have reindeer.
  • What does Rudolph want for Christmas? A Pony sleigh station.
  • What is Santa's dog's name? Santa Paws!
  • Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
  • What’s every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap!
  • What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
  • What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
  • What do Santa's elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
  • What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
  • What do grapes sing at Christmas? 'Tis the season to be jelly.
  • What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
  • What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
  • What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice Crispies.
  • Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
  • As it stands, I hope you enjoyed the jokes as much as I did.
  • Thursday, December 22, 2022

    Right-Wing Conservatives Declare War on "American Girl" Dolls in Time for Christmas

    One of the country's most popular line of dolls - American Girls - is being demonized by right-wing activists and media just in time for Christmas.

    For the record American Girl dolls were first released by the Pleasant Company on May 5, 1986. 

    The dolls portray eight-to fourteen-year-old boys and girls of a variety of ethnicities, faiths, and social classes from different time periods in history.

    So why are the dolls being attacked this Christmas?

    Get your vomit pail ready because the story is enough to make anyone sick with disgust.

    Turns out that a Newsmax anchor (photo above), Rob Finnerty, host of the show "Wake Up America," told his viewers that he took his six-year-old daughter to an American Girl store in Rockefeller Center in New York City in search of a doll that looked like his little daughter.

    Near tears, Finnerty told his audience that he couldn't find a single doll that resembled his "cute little 6-year-old white girl."

    He lied.

    A reporter from MSNBC, Manny Fidel, decided to go to the same store Finnerty took his daughter to.

    His findings have gone viral across TikTok, Twitter and Reddit along with other social media platforms.

    The first thing Fidel noticed was that the store was brimming with white dolls - not only on display but in boxes stacked high on the shelves and in animated videos on the wall.

    Fidel pointed out "The literal first doll that you see when you walk into the store is a smiling white doll with blond pigtails." He videotaped his visit to show the world that Finnerty was a liar and fear-monger.

    Mission accomplished.

    Meanwhile I wonder what Finnerty's audience thinks about his bullshit story.

    Oh! Wait a minute. I forgot that Finnerty's viewers are Newsmax and Fox News zombies that avoid real news and instead nurture the stupidest conspiracies on the planet.

    As it stands, it's really sad that outright liars are given big platforms in the right-wing universe. It's even sadder that adults are being led like sheep by wolves in sheep's clothing.

    Wednesday, December 21, 2022

    Santa's List of Whose Been Naughty or Nice Released Same Day as Trump's Taxes

    People are calling it a holiday miracle.

    Trump's taxes being revealed to the public prior to Christmas Day. What a yuletide gift for the nation.

    Guess what? Santa Claus timed the release of his naughty or nice list to coincide with the release of Trump's long-hidden taxes.

    Whose Been Naughty? 

    Trump tops the list in a landslide. His company has been charged with numerous felonies and convicted in a New York court. And that's just for starters.

    He's being investigated for state and federal charges ranging from trying to steal the 2020 election to conspiracy against the country. Santa plans on filling his Christmas stocking with multiple subpoenas.


    Marjorie Taylor Greene's racist and antisemite rantings and conspiracy theories have earned her second place on the naughty list. 

    Santa (who by the way has a sense of humor) is going to stuff her stocking with a multi-speed vibrator, butt cream, and scented butt plugs.


    Political jellyfish Kevin McCarthy has pledged his loyalty to Trump and to polluting The House of Representatives with phony investigations and conspiracy theories.

    Santa is stuffing his stocking with subpoenas, and a magazine subscription to Coward's Digest.

    The Nice List

    Dr. Anthony Fauci's advice during the pandemic saved millions of lives. Santa is putting a lifetime free pass to his North Pole home in his stocking.


    President Joe Biden has done more to help the American people by passing historic legislations in the last couple of years than any other president prior to him.

    Santa is going to fill his stocking with irrefutable evidence of criminal corruption on all of the members of the GOP's so-called Freedom Caucus.


    Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has successfully led his nation against Russia's invasion though masterful statesmanship and sheer grit. 

    Santa is stuffing his stocking with pledges of economic and military support from leaders around the world led by the United States of America in the name of freedom and democracy.

    As it stands, as a kid I believed in Santa's List of Good and Bad little boys and girls up until I was about six years old when I discovered it was bullshit.

    Tuesday, December 20, 2022

    Burrowing in for Christmas at Mar a Lardo

    Trump minions have been reporting that The Donald has been storing up supplies for Christmas... and beyond.

    One of the special deliveries (photo left) was a hefty supply of Ketchup for all occasions.

    The main banquet room in Mar a Lardo has been transformed into a dystopian Christmas scene in anticipation of the whole crime family gathering for Christmas Day.

    The decorating theme this season is "Christmas is about Me" (just like every year) with festive napkins of a naked Trump lunging across a city skyline with the caption "I Alone Can Save You." 

    A group of spineless Republicans plan to have a special MAGA Christmas award for His Orangeness.

    The award was named after top brown-noses in the party agreed it was perfect call... 

    The Purple Bone Spur award.

    There are contests and game show simulations planned for the entire crime family and their friends on a very MAGA Christmas Day.

    The host for the yuletide gameshow celebration - Which Crime Is It?  will (of course!) be Don the Con himself.

    Because the whole day was Trump centric it needed a good closing act.

    Wearing nothing but a Mankini Trump will show his bigly pole dancing skills while "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" blares through the room of stunned guests and family members.

    By all accounts Trump plans on barricading in Mar a Lardo while the shitstorm of indictments begins to come in next year. Hence the ketchup stash.

    Christmas Day will be particularly poignant for Trump and his Capo kids because next Christmas they may be celebrating behind bars!

    As it stands, rumors are that special counsel Jack Smith has a New Year surprise for Trump. I wonder what it could possibly be?

    Monday, December 19, 2022

    Grinch/Trump Plan to Steal Xmas Explodes After Congress Sends 4 Criminal Referrals to the DOJ Over Trump's Coup Attempts

    It's been a holiday tradition since 2017 when Trump and the Grinch got together in the Oval Office and plotted to steal Christmas.

    The Grinch needed motivation for his mission after failing to steal Christmas for years. White House staffers still talk about how festive the two looked in orange and green while chomping down on McDonald Quarter-Pounders and plotting to deprive children of Christmas gifts.

    It was the first time the Grinch had ever met someone meaner than him and he was impressed. But after a few years and no success he was becoming disillusioned and wondered if he had hooked up with a loser.  

    Their partnership lasted until December 19 just before Christmas this year when Trump's coup attempts were referred by Congress to the Department of Justice for criminal prosecution.

    Sensing the referral was going to bring immediate unwanted heat on any attempt to steal Christmas this season the Grinch decided his green hide needed to distance itself from the former twice impeached president.

    The one thing the Grinch didn't want to happen was to be associated with a world class loser who got caught. He may have failed in numerous attempts, but he was never charged with crimes. 

    So, a disappointed Grinch went back to his mountaintop cave and began planning next year's attempt to steal Christmas. 

    Meanwhile Trump holed up at his Mar-a-Lago retreat in Florida and continued trying to overthrow the 2020 election.

    His response to the referral, according to inside sources, was uglier than anything they'd seen him do yet!

    His diaper got so full it exploded and sent feces all around his fake Presidential Office! Combined with two years of ketchup stains on the walls the room looked like the entrance to hell. 

    His minions had to wear ear plugs to protect them from Trump's frenzied shrieks and conspiratorial rants when he was given the news.

    Authorities alerted Santa Claus to be diligent for any signs of the Grinch despite rumors he fled to his mountaintop cave after splitting with Trump.

    As it stands, I hope you find things to laugh about during this holiday season, no matter how silly they are.

    Sunday, December 18, 2022

    Here's a Last-Minute Christmas Gift Guide for the Republicans in Your Life

    So, you waited until days before Christmas to get that Republican in your life a gift ... and you still don't have any idea what to get them.

    Don't panic.

    First off you need to identify which wing of the Republican party your family member, friend, and people you work with belong too. 

    There's the wacko wing featuring twice impeached former president Trump and minions, and there's the traditional conservative's wing.

    Easy ways to spot which wing they belong too:

    -- Trump wingers wear red caps with MAGA on them, and love to cosplay and dress up in red-white-and blue foolery emblazoned with Trump's mug.

    -- The conservative wing dresses normally and avoids looking like clowns.

    Listen carefully to their words

    -- When every other word is a lie, and they seek to warp reality with conspiracies you know they are in the Trump Wing.

    --The Conservative Wing has their share of liars, but they can tell fact from fiction... even though they may do it reluctantly. 

    Gift Guide ideas for the Trump Wing

    --A month's supply of COVID-19 busters hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin.

    --Trump's Coffee Table book that features lots of bigly photos and very little words.

    --A booklet of Grift Tickets giving the bearer an inside track on Trump's next grift.

    --Stocking stuffers like miniature Trump Golden Idol earrings and cans of orange face makeup.

    Gift Guide for the Conservative Wing

    --Gift certificates for a free spinal implant.

    --Plaques with inspirational messages by Newt Gingrich, Richard Nixon, and Joseph McCarthy.

    --A subscription to The Good Old Days monthly magazine featuring stories about how Asians, Blacks and Hispanics knew their place in life.

    --A copy of Adam Kinzinger's biography. 

    I know it's a short list but it's the best I could do in a limited time. 

    As it stands, peace on earth and may the Republican party go back to the days before Trump when they were just idiots and not seditionists.

    Saturday, December 17, 2022

    Color Me Unconvinced: Pentagon Claims there's Been No Alien Visits to Earth

    Who does the Pentagon think their fooling claiming there's never been an alien visitation or alien crashes on Earth?

    Not me.

    Anyone with any sense of history knows there's been thousands of reports of anomalous, unidentified objects - whether they are in space, the skies or even underwater as far back as ancient times. 

    Historians studying ancient civilizations still don't know how they created colossal monuments, buildings, and other engineering feats that couldn't be replicated today. In all the cases technology unknown to mankind at the time was used.

    Back to the Present

    What we know,

    -- The Pentagon's latest investigation into reports of UFOs have turned up zilch.

    -- Senior military leaders are assuring Americans that "...there's nothing there but don't worry. We'll keep looking."


    Quick Poll: 

    Do you believe everything the Pentagon says is the truth? YES/NO

    Or are you suspicious that the Pentagon is feeding us Poo Poo! as Nancy Pelosi once put it so eloquently. YES? NO


    -- The Pentagon's newly formed All-Domaine Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO) is supposed to be an upgrade from the former UFO Office.

    If that were true, why haven't they found even one report that turned out to be true yet? 

    They surely had all the UFO files going back years to the late 1940s. Right? Just how hard are they looking?

    One thing the Pentagon wanted was granted by legislation this week and will be signed by President Biden soon. The funding for another fruitless search to look at the historical record of the U.S. government related to UFOs going back to 1945.

    The director of AARO, Sean Kirkpatrick gushed about how this new report is going to be quite a research project, the other day.

    Unfortunately, I wasn't in the press corps assembled to hear Kirkpatrick's flowery visions for the project. 

    If I was, I would have asked him how going over the same history of reports of sightings already examined for decades is going to produce stunning new revelations about whether aliens exist and justify using billions of taxpayer dollars in the effort?

    I probably would have been escorted out by two AARO MPs for my perceived attempt to rain on their parade.

    As it stands, as a Boomer and Vietnam veteran I will always question government agencies because most have a track record of lying.  

    Friday, December 16, 2022

    Exploring the Book of Idiots

                     Let it be known to all:

    From the GOP Bible's Book of Idiots

    Chapter: 1:2

    "And Trump descended from the polluted clouds to bring the people hope by selling NFT Cards for a bargain price of $99 each."

    Chapter: 8-31

    "What, then, shall we say in response to liberal evil? If Trump is for us, who can be against us?"

    Chapter 40:10

    Trump Disciple Steve Bannon looked at the crowd of Trump acolytes and said, "With man it is impossible, but not with Trump. For all things are possible with Trump."

    Chapter 44: 23

    "Therefore, my beloved minions, be steadfast, immoveable, and always obeying the Lord Trump, and your labors will not be in vain."

    Chapter 52:14

    "Trust in Trump with all your heart and ignore reality and he will bless you for the rest of your days."

    Chapter 69: 45

    "For I have plans for you all declared Trump, 'Plans to give you the dystopian world you so crave."

    Chapter 74:19

    "As a MAGA mother comforts her white child, so will Lord Trump comfort you."

    Chapter 81-35

    "All scripture is inspired by Trump and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training Maggots so they can go forth and pollute governments."

    Chapter 91-57

    "But first seek Trump Tower to get your marching orders from Trump himself."

     Chapter 94-13

    "Keep your lives free and give me your money and be content with what you have," sayth the blessed grifter your Lord Trump."

    Chapter 99:68

    "He was impeached for protecting you; he was attacked by rabid liberals so that you could spread lies like flies."

    Chapter 102: 89

    And Trump spoke to the masses, "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes my words are good sheep and will eternally dwell at one of my golf courses." 

    As it stands, coming soon a new Republican board game, "Psychos in the House!"

    Thursday, December 15, 2022

    Trump's Shameless Bigly Announcement Sparks Mockery and Laughter on the Internet

    You can't shame Trump.

    It's impossible.

    In his world he's a superhero.

    To prove it he's come up with a new grift. 

    The official Donald Trump Digital Trading Card collection featuring him in a superhero costume, cape and "True Champion" belt.

    Trump's much touted announcement hit the internet today - via his ironically named Truth Social platform - and made a big splash. Basically, it turned out to be a big belly flop that social media platforms are joyously exploiting for their followers as you read this.

    Speculation Has Been Rampant

    Social media users thought Trump might announce a bid to be speaker of the House. (I think I hear a Koko Bird clock chiming) 

    Yesterday, Mike Sington tweeted,

    "Donald Trump making a "major announcement" tomorrow. Unless it's "I'm guilty and turning myself in" no one cares.

                       Just wait. It gets better.

    "Donald Trump's major announcement is that he's selling his own Pokemon cards." 

    -Santiago Mayer, executive director of Voters Tomorrow.

    "This is somehow hilariously dumber than even I had expected."

    Ginger Gibson, senior Washington editor for NBC Digital wrote.

    One twitter user noted that the stupidest part of Trump's NFT cards con, is his fans can screenshot them for free!

    Pardon me for a moment until I can stop laughing!

    We're talking about a former president of the United States selling Digital cards ($99 per card) because he needs money to pay his legion of lawyers in multiple court cases.

    It was really amusing watching two Faux News hosts try to explain away the sheer stupidity of the stunt, attributing it to his sense of humor(!) and marketing genius.

    The former president probably would say there's nothing humorous about his great announcement while shilling a product he claims will become more collectible than baseball cards!

    To think there are some maroons who will buy these Digital cards with the twice-impeached former president decked out in superhero costumes, is sad.

    Like I said, Trump is shameless.

    As it stands, I suspect Trump was the first person to try and sell the Brooklyn Bridge. 

    Wednesday, December 14, 2022

    A Seasonal Miracle: Hate Takes a Holiday

    Imagine a major miracle happening this season where love triumphs over hate. 

    Where haters would find themselves celebrating their holidays in hell when love breaks out in the rest of the country like flower blossoms in the spring.

    The spirit of Christmas would light the way like never before and strangers would be greeting one another with joyous wishes for the holidays without fear.

    Right-wing militias would disband and disarm.

    Alt-right activists would either repent their evil ways and renounce their hateful ideologies, or they would spend their days in hell shoveling shit.

    Social media platforms would clean up their acts and refuse to let hateful and seditious dialogue appear on their sites.

    Liars would lose their voices.

    Conspiracist lawmakers would resign from Congress and get the mental health help they desperately need.

    White supremacists' skin tones would change from white to black or brown giving them a new world view.

    Traitors would convert to real patriots.

    The rest of the world could take us off the Dangerous To Travel to list.

    It would be safe to go to public events without fear of being attacked by a crazy person(s) with an assault rifle.

    A seasonal miracle we'd all like to see.

    As it stands, 'Tis the season to believe in miracles and worldwide Peace.  

    Tuesday, December 13, 2022

    A Primer of Christmas Fantasies Previewed

    Can you see it in your mind - a sleigh being pulled by Santa Claus's reindeers dashing across the horizon?

    How about Frosty the Snowman fronting for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream by passing out free samples to good little boys and girls?

    Moving on

    Christmas itself is a fantasy on a large scale where parents and children conspire to suspend reality for the holiday.

    One of my favorite holiday fantasies is the song Happy Xmas (War is Over) coming true worldwide someday. John Lennon and Yoko Ono recorded this song with the Harlem Community Choir as a war protest. A funny thing happened. It eventually became a Christmas classic.

    Homey songs and stories set the stage for the holidays.

    "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" with a happy family gathered around a fireplace festooned with Christmas stockings.

    Or funny fantasies like Rudolph the reindeer running fast on a freeway because Santa has got places to go thanks to Chuck Berry's classic Run, Rudolph, Run.

    One of the most poignant Christmas fantasies is the one where a young Drummer Boy forlornly taps his message of Peace on Earth to the world on his little drum while standing in a snow-covered landscape.

    If you get a chance listen to Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by Bing Crosby and David Bowie. It was the last recording Bing made before he died.

    Christmas is often cited as the most magical time of the year. 

    There may be some truth to that sentiment. 

    Here's a list of the 10 Most Magical Christmas Fantasy Movies.

    As it stands, Christmas fantasies run the gamut from poignant to happy, but they all have one thing in common, they'll touch your heart.

    Monday, December 12, 2022

    A 2022 Christmas Carol

    Deck the Courts

    Deck the Courts with Trump indictments, Fa la la la la la la la la!

    'Tis the season of treason, Fa la la la la la la la la!

    Don we now Trump's prisoner apparel, Fa la la la la la la la la!

    Time to bang the wooden gavel, Fa la la la la la la la!

    Watch Trump's trials on TV, Fa la la la la la la la!

    Hear the jurors declare Trump guilty, Fa la la la la la la la!

    Fast away the old year passes, Fa la la la la la la la!

    Start the new year with concurrent prison terms, lads and lasses, Fa la la la la la la la!

    Deck the corridors of Congress with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la la la la la la!

    'Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la la la la la la

    Fa la la la la la la la!

    Fa la la la la la la la!

    Fa la la la la la la la la la!

    My apologies to the author of Deck the Halls John Ceiriog Hughs, a Welsh poet and collector of Welsh folk tunes.

    As it stands, this parody poem has really gotten my holiday spirit soaring on this cold winter day.

    Sunday, December 11, 2022

    Santa's Helper Shares People's Controversial Christmas Requests

    Hi. I'm Dave and Santa asked me to share some of the things people want this Christmas. 

    It's a temporary gig, but I'll do my best. Let's start off by sharing the number one request... Indict Trump for Christmas!

    The next most popular request came from members of the so-called Freedom Caucus in the House.

    " I want a functioning brain" the group asked in a letter written for them by a Blue Dog Democrat.

    A brief note

    Apparently, Trump wrote Santa (with the help of someone who could spell) and asked if he could be president again if he developed a golf course near The North Pole.

    Santa forwarded the letter to Jack Smith at the DOJ.

    another request 

    "Dear Santa, could you arrange for me not to be indicted with the rest of the Trump Crime Family? Sincerely, Ivanka Trump

    Requests from lawmakers

    "Dear Santa, I would like a spine for Christmas." signed by senators Susan Collins, Lindsey Graham, and Ted Cruz.

    "Dear Santa, I'd like a vacation home in Russia." Sen. Ron Johnson

    "Dear Santa, would you get rid of those guys in white coats who keep showing up at my office?" Sen. John Kennedy

    "Dear Santa, will you send your enforcer elves to my next-door neighbor's house and beat the crap out of him? I promise to be good and not claim I'm a medical professional anymore if you do. Sen. Rand Paul

    "Dear Santa, I want two KKK uniforms embroidered with holly and Democrats hanging from trees by a noose. One for me and the other for my racist brother Tommy Tuberville. Happy holidays!" Sen. Richard Shelby

    Requests from non-lawmakers

    "Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a new TV show." Treavor Noah

    "Listen up Santa. All I want is to be Boss of the Whole World. In return I won't send wrecking crews to the North Pole and have you banned to a desert island.  Your choice. Happy holidays! Elon Musk

    "Dear Santa, would you make me funny? The only time people laugh at me is when I tell them I'm a comedian." Pete Davidson

    "Dear Santa Guy, all I want for Christmas is for Russia to go home and leave us alone." Volodymyr Zelensky

    "Dear Santa Claus, is there any way you could take Rand Paul's voice away and give him a serious case of COVID-19? Just asking." Dr. Fauci

    As it stands, I figure there's still time to make my request which hopefully will be prioritized on Santa's List this yuletide season.

    Saturday, December 10, 2022

    Animal Tales: Terrorist Iguana Causes Large Scale Outage, Pet Unicorn License Issued, Cow Visits Doctor's Office and More

    Authorities in Florida recently reported a suspected domestic terrorist disguised as a Green Iguana who went by the name Louie, attacked a power substation causing a "large scale outage" for power customers.

    Authorities had been searching for him ever since he was seen running from Mar-a-Lago with confidential files in his mouth earlier this month. 

    Breaking New Ground

    A handwritten letter from a young California girl to animal care and control officials has broken new ground when it comes to fantasy animals.

    Authorities spent weeks investigating if unicorns were real without success. But they wanted kids everywhere to still believe there was a chance that unicorns really did so they gave the child a pre-approved license to keep a unicorn as a pet should she find one.

    Unicorn dolls have been selling out in California since the news broke. 


    Cows have been escaping from tractor trailers a lot lately.

    Just two weeks ago a great escape - about 30 cows - made a slow dash to freedom before being re-incarcerated by several cattle wranglers.

    On Dec. 9th a rogue cow (who goes by Bonny the Bad Ass - photo above) jumped from the back of a trailer and headed straight for a doctor's office. 

    The 650-pound bovine literally came through the front door and demanded to see the doctor.

    If it wasn't for two cattle wranglers scaring the shit out of Bonny authorities said she might not have crashed through the front door and would have been content bellowing for a doctor from outside. 

    Afterwards, the two men were given cognitive tests to see how stupid they were.


    Authorities at Dane County Regional airport in Madison, Wisconsin accidently put a dog a dog through an X-Ray Machine.

    The dachshund-chihuahua mix had some harsh barks with its stupid owner who didn't follow the proper protocol for traveling with pets. 

    Asked what the dog thought while being subjected to x-rays the sheepish owner said, "He probably thought about biting my ass!" she theorized. 

    As it stands, I hope you enjoyed today's tall tales. I intend to bring Animal Tales back again when you least expect them!

    Blog Break Until Presidential Election is Over

    I finally hit the wall today. I can't think of what to say about all of the madness going on in this country right now. I'm a writer...