Saturday, August 13, 2022

Everybody is Talking About the New MAGA Carnival Rides for Upcoming Fundraiser

In their usual wacky way GOP lawmakers and activists have come up with a unique slate of Carnival rides especially designed for Trump supporters in an upcoming bigly fundraiser.

Where: Somewhere in a Florida swamp

When: to be announced by QAnon messenger

Why: To raise money to defend the former president who is being investigated for Espionage, Obstruction, and Destruction of government property.

When Trump cult members descend upon the carnival location here's a sampling of some of the new rides they'll get to experience:

New GOP Carnival Rides

1. The Lindsey Graham Flip-Flop-a-Rama - Riders will have to sign an affidavit stating they won't sue the park if their neck breaks during the violent flip-flopping action.

2. The Matt Gaetz Spinning Shells - They were inspired by Disneylands teacup ride but instead of slowly spinning saucers which can be controlled by riders, they go so fast nosebleeds aren't uncommon and the rider has no control of the speed.

3. The Marjorie Taylor Greene Mad House - Customers follow a path with shattered mirrors and life size posters of MTG aiming a Jewish Space Laser at Fulton Country, Georgia.

4. Greg Abbot's Alien Invasion Ride - You'll travel along a simulated southern border with interactive Game Boy's in a flying saucer that gives you options of stopping legal migrants from coming to America.

5. The Giuliani Patriot Ferris Wheel - This giant Red-White- and Blue wheel moves at erratic speeds and has an audio recording of Giuliani's famous 4-Seasons Speech playing throughout the rider's full experience.

6. Paul Gosar's Delusion Ride - This towering ride will take you upside down in all three directions at a high rate of speed. There's free Vomit Bags next to each seat.

7. Gym Jordan's Dream Crusher - This patriotic-themed ride will twist and turn you in every direction until you no longer recognize the American Dream. And, just for this special occasion, every rider will get an autographed copy of Assistant Ohio State Coach Jordan in a wrestling singlet with two students who were molested by the team coach at either side of him.

8. The Super Scott Perry Roller Coaster - Riders will sit in unique clown cars that travel in pairs so 8 riders at a time can experience the loops and slopes and pretend not to be afraid when oxygen masks drop at the peak of the ride.

9. The Elise Stefanik MAGA Starship 2024 - Once you board the MAGA Starship, it's a straight shot to insanity as it spins on an axle of lies powered by Trump followers' flatulence and hot air. Stefanik will be your captain.

10. Kevin McCarthy Mountain - Forget about Disneylands Magic Mountain while you slowly travel in little red cars through McCarthy Mountain's caves adorned with murals of Trump throwing out rolls of toilet paper to the masses of poor from a lofty perch. Pass though rooms with golden statues of Trump shaking hands with Putin and Kim Jong-Un. When the rides over you'll be asked to sign a "Do Not Disclose" agreement with the RNC.

So, what are you waiting for? Start planning now and be ready to have fun and donate money at the gate to help your idol stay out of jail.

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