Here’s a humorous roundup from last night’s reigning comedians:
Fallon: Airplane designers are planning a high-speed jet that can go from New York to London in one hour. Seriously? How about a jet that can go from the gate to the runway in one hour?
Leno: NBAs Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. Not to be outdone, LeBron James is changing his name to Not Michael Jordan.
Conan: Egypt's military is Facebook polling for the country’s next leader. So, congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.
Leno: Newt Gingrich’s campaign staff quit last week. Then his finance staff. He was going to quit the race, but his speechwriter quit too.
Fallon: A new study finds most Americans will have to work into their 70s and 80s to afford retirement. But then they'll have plenty of time to enjoy their golden year.
Letterman: Miss California won the Miss USA contest. Now the race is on to find the naked pictures.
Leno: Hugh Hefner is so depressed over his canceled wedding to Crystal Harris. They found him in the closed garage sitting on his Rascal scooter with the motor running.
Conan: NBC apologizes for deleting the words “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance in its U.S. Open coverage. NBC is also sorry that Brian Williams ended the Nightly News with “Hail Satan!”Letterman: Rory McIlroy won $1.4 million at the US Open. Congratulations. Once again, the money had to be borrowed from the Chinese Open.
Leno: You probably saw President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner had their big golf match. You know what Obama's handicap is? Joe Biden.
Leno: Interesting political news tonight: Our entire studio audience used to work for Newt Gingrich. Everyone has resigned.
Fallon: Researchers in Brazil have discovered an Amazon tribe that’s never made contact with the outside world. Which can only mean they’re using iPhones.
Leno: Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, 'Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'
Fallon: Justin Bieber and President Obama both in New York tonight. Traffic gridlock with the most powerful man in the world and right down the street President Obama.
Leno: A new survey says the U.S. is the funniest country in the world and Germany is the least funny. Gee, imagine coming in behind that laugh riot land of Iran.
Conan: Apple founder Steve Jobs plans a new state-of-the-art corporate headquarters. Then in six months he’ll replace it with a slightly thinner headquarters with a crappy camera.
Conan: The Florida Marlins new manager Jack McKeon is 80-years-old. That makes him the oldest man working in baseball and the youngest man working in Florida.