Tuesday, November 24, 2020

White House to Hold Auction When Trump is Kicked Out

 Pandemic Diary - Day 245

Dear Diary,

Hear ye! Hear ye!

As the official White House Auctioneer, I hereby invite collectors of presidential memorabilia to assemble on the South Lawn on January 21st, 2021, for a two-day sale of Trump's junk that was left behind after he was forcibly removed from office.

Category One 

The Oval Office

Taken from inside the historic resolute desk (made from English oak taken from the HMS Resolute and a gift from Queen Victoria to Rutherford Hayes):

--A deck of playing cards with women peeing on Trump in various famous hotels 

--Videos of Trump and Jeffrey Epstein on Pedophile Island chasing nubile teenagers under 16-years old.

--A pack of Sharpies engraved with Trump's name.

--Obviously a new addition, there was a mirror that popped up from the top right hand drawer with a recording, "You are so handsome! and You're a stable genius" on an endless loop.

Category Two

The President's Residence

--Expected to go only to the most serious collector, is Trump's shitter throne made from solid gold.

--Found in a dresser drawer, a supersize jar of face bronzer make-up, and a year supply of Tic Tac's engraved with Trump's name on them.

--Discovered in the bathroom, a solid gold scale that only went up to 240 pounds.

--12 94" flat screen TVs that surrounded the bedroom

Category Three

The Dining Room and Kitchen

A Trump ware dinner set for 64 people consisting of: 

--Plates and saucers etched in gold

--A massive Centerpiece with naked golden Trump cherubs frolicking in the Capitol Hill bathrooms

--4 gold Salt and Pepper shakers in the shape of a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken

--16 McDonald's themed tables and chairs for four.

Category Four

The Secret Nursey

Background: Many historic (and horrible) decisions were made there where most of the staff couldn't see Trump throwing temper tantrums and acting like a baby.

--A gold leaf crib padded with stuffed hamburger cushions.

--A Big Boy wooden Playpen (with metal bars) made by illegal immigrants at Mar-A-Lago.

--A golden pacifier dispenser in the shape of a golf club.

--A gold encrusted height chair sturdy enough to hold an elephant. The tray is decorated with flying hamburgers wrapped in a Carl's Jr. motif.

Note to All Buyers

All sales are final and permanent. We accept VISA and MasterCard.

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