By Dave Stancliff/For the Times-Standard
Posted: 11/28/2010 01:29:53 AM PST
Thank you, Janet Napolitano.
I feel so much safer now that the Bureau Of Land Management's Critical Infrastructure Crisis Response Exercise Program is over. That recent realistic scenario of crazed pot terrorists taking over the Shasta Dam to demonstrate how efficiently federal agencies can respond to this very real possibility deserves every American's praise.
Bravo! I want to congratulate everyone involved for recognizing that pot terrorists are an immediate threat to America's national security. As we all know, pot terrorists are the No. 1 threat to this nation, thus the reason for The War on Drugs. Forget about al-Qaida. We need to address real-world things like pot terrorists boarding planes with hidden doobies or glass pipes.
It's common knowledge that people high on pot can be violent and dangerous. Homeland Security officials warn that even medical marijuana can cause problems. Patients freak out and run through the streets naked if they don't get their pot fix. Janet Napolitano rightly recognized the seriousness of the growing number of pot terrorists, mostly in California. The Feds have turned up the heat and are offering rewards to children. If they turn in their pot-smoking parents they'll get a set of DEA playing cards.
I say it's about time the word gets out about these pot terrorists in our country. We've ignored them for too long. I can't tell you how much better I'll sleep, knowing the authorities are on the ball. It's comforting to see how much work went into the Crisis Response Exercise Program. Just think, for 18 months, at the cost of $500,000, these dedicated people prepared for the very real possibility that stoned pot farmers would try to take over the nation's dams.
According to the Record Searchlight newspaper in Redding the exercise started with ...
”... two mock bomb blasts followed by the 'Red Cell' terrorist group taking over the dam in an effort to free one of their fellow marijuana growers from prison. Holding three people hostage, they threatened to flood the Sacramento River by rolling open the drum gates atop the dam. Those gates hold back the nearly full lake.”
Talk about good intelligence. Over 20 federal agencies were involved. I suspected marijuana growers were all subversive. Bombs, not bongs! I'm sure the Shasta Dam will be ready if those dirty hippies try anything now. They don't call it “killer weed” for no reason.
But why stop there? How about more raids on other states that have medical marijuana laws? I have to hand it to our country's drug czar, Gil Kerlikowske, who intimidated California voters considering voting Yes on Proposition 19. That last-minute October surprise before the mid-term elections was a doozy. You let those stupid voters who wanted to legalize weed know that the Feds wouldn't recognize the passage of Proposition 19 and would keep busting those determined citizens who wanted to partake.
Good patriotic Americans know that current misguided marijuana laws that allow people to puff on the demon weed legally need to be repealed. By showing the public just what pot terrorists are capable of in this recent exercise, our government has highlighted a growing concern. DEA authorities report an increase in physical violence involving pot farmers and smokers attacking innocent non-smokers.
Responsible citizens nationwide need to be on the alert for pot terrorists in their neighborhoods. The Feds suggest profiling works well when trying to spot a pot terrorist. They often have long scraggly hair, sometimes dreadlocks, and never take a bath so you can smell them a mile away. Their eyes are usually glazed, and if you watch them long enough you'll catch them drooling. They also wear stupid symbols like peace signs on their hemp clothing and use hemp moisturizers on their skin. Oh, yeah! They wear Birkenstock sandals, and the men have unkempt beards down to their knees. I hope that helps.
How can I, and a grateful nation, thank you enough, oh beloved Secretary of Homeland Security? This country has enough challenges without fear of pot terrorists attacking our nation's infrastructure. This reminder to remain alert at all times for pot farmers plotting to overthrow the government will make us all feel safer. It's this kind of activity that makes me proud to be an American.
As It Stands, forgive my sarcasm, but sometimes I have the feeling our government marches to a different tune than the rest of us.
UPDATES – web sites who picked this column up:
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