GEORGE W. BUSH
LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
COLLEGE: I graduated from Yale University. I earned a lot of "gentleman's C's," which means F's that are turned into C's for sons of prominent Americans.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Kenneth Lay), I was elected Governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any Governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the Governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one year period. In my first year in office, after taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history, resulting in the disaster of 9-11.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. In my State Of The Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. president.
I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any president in U.S. history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history, and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans, and I support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in war time.
Internationally, I have set the all-time record for the most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I have broken more international treaties than any president in U.S history.
I am proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I am the first president in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war detainees, and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first president in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors. (during the 2000 U.S. presidential election).
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, causing hundreds of thousands of Americans to lose their retirement funds. My political party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation, or prosecution. In the meantime, more time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I am first president in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES: All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed, and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
Via the comments at HuffPo.