Not So Friendly Skies and Airplanes for Dictators

I can still hear that 1965 United Airlines slogan, "Fly the friendly skies" with a touch of nostalgia.

Since then, it's been updated to, "Good Leads the Way," which has nothing to do with flying and sucks as a slogan.

One thing is for certain; the skies are not so friendly these days as air traffic controllers lose contact with pilots in what's becoming a common occurrence in American aviation recently. Newark Airport's problems, like losing radar for short periods of time are terrifying to say the least. It turns out that United Airlines is bearing the brunt of Newark airport's chaos. 

The issue at Newark, where nearly 70% of the flights are operated by United, has been financially disastrous for the company as cancellations and delays have taken a heavy toll. The summer travel season, typically the industry's most profitable period, is fast approaching. 

The blow comes as the industry grapples with slowing travel demand following the economic fallout of Trump's ridiculous trade war. 

While we're on the subject of airplanes did you hear the one about Trump wanting a flying palace so that he could keep up with his dictator friends? 

The Qatari royal family plans on giving Trump his very own palace in the sky (worth about $400m). 

This "gift" is a blatant violation of the Emoluments Clause of the U.S. Constitution that prohibits officials from accepting gifts, emoluments, office, or titles from foreign government without the consent of Congress.

Trump doesn't care what anyone thinks. He wants a new fancy airplane to increase his profile as a dictator. Some of his minions are trying to make the bribe look like a legitimate offering by suggesting the airplane is being donated to Defense Department and will eventually go to the Donald J. Trump Library. Three guesses who could then fly in it anytime he wanted to.

I have to admit I'm surprised that some of Trump's biggest supporters have serious reservations about the deal. MAGA influencers have described the move as a "bribe," grift, or an example of the high-level corruption that Trump himself has consistently promised to root out. 

Anyone who thinks Qatar is giving Trump a $400m jet out of the goodness of their sweet little hearts is wrong, according to conservative commentator Ben Shapiro during a recent podcast. Even MAGA nut Laura Loomer criticized the move, calling it "a stain" and posted a cartoon of the Trojan Horse, redrawn as a plane and filled with armed Islamist militants.

Apparently, Trump's memory is pretty poor because he accused Qatar of being "a terrorist state" during his first stint in the White House. Funny how things can change when the bribe is big enough.

As it Stands, I had to laugh when Trump's Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt recently told reporters that "this administration is committed to transparency." In the real-world Trump's regime is about as transparent as a triple thick brick wall.

Evolutionary Social Flaw? Why is it so Much Fun to be Afraid?

I’m fascinated by predators like lions, sharks, and lawyers. Stories about rats creep me out, but I continue to read them. I’ve got a hunch there are others like me who get a perverse thrill from shuddering in terror.

Why else would authors like Stephen King be so popular? I remember watching the original black-and-white movie Frankenstein on late night television in 1960. Like most 10-year-olds, I had an active imagination and couldn’t go to sleep afterwards. I nervously waited for the sun to rise, listening and waiting for Frankenstein to appear. I was sure he was lurking outside my room.

For some reason I thought no monster would dare appear during the day. I knew that was the case with werewolves and vampires, and just assumed Frankenstein was a nocturnal monster as well.

Look at roller coasters. They’re all about scaring us witless. The combination of speed, sudden turns, and gravity defying dives nearly always produces screams of sheer terror from riders. Yet afterward, when the world stops spinning and stomachs stop churning, they get back in line for another go!

I’ll never forget my first Zombie movie. It was October 1968, and my best friend Tom (later to become my brother-in-law) and I went to a drive-in theater to see “The Night of the Living Dead.”

For those of you who remember going to drive-in movies back then, the food was terrible. Probably the worst, but most popular item, was pizza. It was like eating cardboard with tomato sauce and cheese smeared frugally on top. We ordered one that night.

Ten minutes into the movie we stopped eating our pizza. Miraculously, our appetites disappeared as we watched people chewing on other people. By today’s standards the movie was tame. At the time, it was considered groundbreaking gore on the big screen and paved the way for countless other Zombie movies. Look at their popularity now.

Talking about scary movies, who can forget when “The Exorcist” came out in 1973? I can still see that disturbing image of demon possessed Linda Blair twisting her head completely around and snarling at the camera.

People liked being terrified by the Exorcist so much it reaped 10 academy award nominations and was the first horror movie ever up for Best Picture. “The Sting” won that year.

I totally blame the movie “Jaws” (1975), for my fear of sharks. Prior to the movie I thought nothing of swimming at Huntington Beach, Redondo Beach, and numerous other beaches in Southern California. Haven’t been in the ocean since 1975.

I don’t care if the movie happened on the East Coast. We have plenty of Great White Sharks on the northern coast of California. There’s been more than one incident in Humboldt County of someone attacked by a Great White while surfing in the frigid waters.

So why do I like being scared for entertainment? I have no idea. I know I’m not alone, however. Fear sells. Write about the world ending or a Zombie invasion of downtown Keokuk, Iowa, and it’ll sell.

Of course, you’re going to have a lot of competition because countless others are also dreaming up terrifying global scenarios to scare our pants off. I read somewhere that because man has no dinosaurs chasing him around anymore, he misses that primal instinct of running for his life from something that wants him for dinner.

In other words, we need an adrenaline rush. People love visiting with lions or tigers while safely separated from their teeth and claws. The same goes for shark aquariums. Watching those cold eyes search for prey sends shudders up our spines.

I think the most feared predators in our society today are lawyers. They look like you and me on the outside, but beneath those suits lurk soulless predators going for our money in court cases.

I’m only half-kidding here. Few things can scare people more than knowing their rival in a lawsuit has a high-powered (translation: unscrupulous) lawyer. How many times have you wondered if someone escaped justice by using a “good lawyer” (translation: one who is famous and wins every time)? That’s scary.

As It Stands, here’s an interesting thought: Is our fascination with wanting to be scared an evolutionary social flaw that contributes to the violence in our violent society today?

Originally published in May of 2013, in the Times-Standard

A Short, Humorous Look at the Long History of Cuisine

Camera pans in; 338,000 years ago, somewhere in Ethiopia two early humans are discussing the merits of meat:

Ug: “I’m sick and tired of eating grubs and berries!”

Nug: “Me too. You know what we got to do?”

Ug: “Yep. Risk our lives hunting down meat that is many times bigger than Nug and Ug. It’s dangerous business, but a good dinosaur steak is hard to beat when you want something good to eat.”

Nug: “Not according to Oop. He says he won’t eat anything with a face and is fine grubbing around for berries and insects.”

Ug: “That’s because Oop is too lazy to hunt down a meat meal. Besides, he’s never been right since getting smacked by that big lizard’s tail.”

Nug: “OK, then. I’ll go get my spear and tell the little lady we may be gone for a few days.”

Ug: “Sounds good. My mouth is watering just thinking about the feast we’re going to have!”

Two months later Nug’s wife and Ug’s girlfriend are now with new hunter-gathers that don’t like meat!

Fast forward to 306 BC Rome. Three wealthy diners are gathered in the triclinium (special dining room) lying on specially design couches (Lectus triclinaris).

Around the table, the mensa, the three diners recline on their lectus and casually eat exotic food brought to them by slaves.

Over a spoonful (cochlear-type spoon with a needle-thin grip, which is also used as a prong to eat snails and mollusks) one of the diners speaks between mouthfuls of lentils imported from Egypt:

Petronius: “Food this good should never be on a dirty peasant’s table. They wouldn’t appreciate the refined flavors.”

Cassius: “Let them eat fava beans, chickpeas, and lupins, I say!”

Marcellus: “Let them eat what we deposit in the vomitorium this very day!”

A hearty round of laughter is followed by gulps of imported wine.

The following morning a city-wide slave revolt results in a round-up of wealthy Romans. It doesn’t take long before fava beans and chickpeas become Petronius, Cassius, and Marcellus’ favorite (and only) food.

Fast Forward to the American Civil War, 1863:

When on campaign, soldiers were issued rations of hardtack crackers (generally nine or 10 crackers) when bread was not available, which was most of the time. Some of the common problems with hardtack were being too hard, wet, moldy, or infested with maggots and weevils. If they boiled their hardtack in coffee they could scrape the weevils off the foam.

Grumbling about hardtack was common and there was a popular song called “Hard Times.” The chorus went,

” ‘Tis the song and the sign of the hungry,

Hard crackers, hard crackers, come again no more!

Many days have lingered on our stomach sore,

Oh, hard crackers, come again no more!”

Soldiers through the ages have complained about rations, and the North and South armies were no different. They did, however, exhibit a wonderful sense of humor when discussing their cuisine!

Fast forward to today.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce … lettuce who? Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!

We eat some pretty weird foods in the good old USA. Sometimes I don’t know if I should chuckle or upchuck. Here are a few examples:

Snake. No, it doesn’t taste like chicken. Take it from me. I tried it. Try frog legs, alligator, or even quail, with a gamey seafood flavor. If you really want the whole experience, you should catch your snake and cook him up yourself. Just remember to carry some antivenom in case he’s quicker than you.

Brain sandwiches. Deep-fried calves’ brains can be found in restaurants all along the Ohio River Valley. I read that squirrel brains were a popular Appalachia food for thought. Unless, that is, you get the wrong squirrel carrying a variation of mad cow disease!

A popular Arizona restaurant serves Chaplines, aka grasshoppers. It’s a traditional food in Mexico and is said to taste like grass, hay, or shrimp. That’s quite a spread. Which is it? I’m not really tempted to find out.

As It Stands, “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” — Mark Twain

Originally published April 14th, 2013, in the Times-Standard

Sometimes Joking is No Laughing Matter

 What?

Can't take a joke?

It's the battle cry of those who actually want to make other people feel bad by disguising their insults as "Just a joke."

When was the last time you heard that one?

Some people are just dense. They mean no harm when they don't get a joke's punchline. It just flew over their head like a flock of flamingos into the sunset.

Then we have people who just don't have a sense of humor. 

They're out there milling around the population like bumps on a log, looking for something to get angry about. 

Anything short of praise pisses them off.

To be capable of understanding humor and separating that from hate seems to be quite the challenge in our stressed-out society. Politicians weaponize humor to troll their opponents.

People who don't get offended by jokes, regardless of how vile, are deemed "good sports." They'll take jokes about themselves in stride and laugh at the drop of a punchline. They are generally good-natured and just want to have fun. There're just not enough people like that these days. 

The difference between a merry prankster and outright troll is vast. We love comedians but loath trolls, especially when they are going after us like rabid skunks.

Just for fun here's some other words for "playing a joke."

* Pulling someone's chain.

* Fooling around.

* Pulling someone's leg.

* Playing a prank.

* Jesting.

* And making a monkey out of someone.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A sense of humor is a blessing, if you ask me. Think about being able to laugh regardless of the weary world around you that is often devoid of humor. I agree with Reader's Digest that Laughter is the best medicine. And that each one of us should be able to joke about life without negative consequences.

As it Stands, "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

The Art of Diversion Exposed

If I wasn't able to divert my thoughts, I'd go crazy.

When daily Trumpian antics become too much, I direct my attention towards more pleasant things. 

Like watching an NBA playoff game. Or a baseball game while quaffing a good stout beer and rooting for the Dodgers.

When life becomes so tedious or serious concerns dominate your attention for hours or days you need a break. It's time to recharge your batteries with some positive ions. Participating in activities you enjoy should be a no-brainer.

Unfortunently that's not always the case. Not everyone can sit down in front of a TV and watch their favorite sport as a diversion for a whole host of reasons. Time is a big factor in making it hard to divert your attention. Availability can be a hurdle.

This is key.

The art of diversion involves a vivid imagination. One that allows you to soar above the idiocy surrounding you and to go places unrestricted by reality whenever you feel like it. In a blink of an eye your sipping exotic beverages on a beautiful beach in the Meditterean somewhere.

You have to be careful not to let on your diverting your attention when confronted by teachers, bores or bosses. I recommend a facial mask of apparent interest regardless of how you feel at the time. A stoic face also works. 

I've been practicing the art of diversion all of my life. It's a passive agressive way of getting some satisfaction without getting into a confrontation. When my math teacher in high school lectured me on division and multiplication, I escaped by imagining him doing a belly flop (he was quite heavy) in a pool the size of a dog bed. It was that easy. And fun. Of course, I failed math but that's another story.

You might even compare my approach to diversion with the hilarious 2013 movie, "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" based upon James Thurber's most famous short story.

To summerize, Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller), an employee at Life Magazine, spends day after monotonous day developing photos for the publication. To escape the tedium, Walter inhabits a world of exciting daydreams in which he is the undeniable hero.

I know. That's going a bit too far. We all can't live in a dream world and get away with it like Walter. However, a good imagination will always serve you.

As it Stands, hopefully I diverted you long enough to be entertained today.

America Has Slid into a State of Idiocracy

It's fair to say Trump's efforts to establish an autocracy in the United States has led to an idiocracy where low intelligence is esteemed.

Neil deGrasse Tyson's repeated warnings that our nation is turning into an idiocracy has come to pass with Trump's accession to The White House for a second attempt to destroy our republic. 

To be perfectly clear, an ideocracy is a form of government or social system where abstract ideas or ideologies, rather than practical considerations or evidence, are the primary guiding principles. It's essentially a society where beliefs and doctrines dictate laws, policies, and social norms.

In essence, an ideocracy is a society where the power and authority of an ideology or set of beliefs are paramount, influencing all aspects of life and potentially leading to a rigid and often authoritarian social structure.

Sound familiar?

If you're living in America today, you're learning all about ideocracy. Depending on how old you are you may have seen the cult classic Idiocracy when it came out in September of 2006, giving you a heads up on the younger generation. It was a social parody that never got a wide screening because 20th Century Fox was uneasy with it. 

Who knew it would someday come down from the screen one day and become our reality?

Here's what passes as presential in these dark days:

* Trump mocks the recently deceased Pope infuriating one billion Catholics worldwide. 

Then he publicly denied posting a picture of himself on his Truth Social account dressed up as the Pope and knew nothing about the photo's mysterious appearance on the internet.

* After watching an old movie about Alcatraz in his Mar-a-Lago lair Trump was inspired to restore the infamous prison to its former state and enlarge it. Why? No one really knows. Apparently, Trump is turned on by all the suffering and the fact Al Copone was held there thrilled him. "The great Al Copone, they called him," he recently told a gaggle of MAGA media reporters.

* New Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney met with Trump in the Oval Office and bluntly told him Canada "is not for sale," despite Trump's assertions that it should become the 51st state. What was Trump's idiotic reply? "Time will tell. It's only time. But I say never say never." 

* Asked if he has to "uphold the Constitiution" Trump told NBC News, "I don't know."

The nation has been on a slippery slope since Trump slithered into our politics promoting hate, lies, and misinformation. He has cultivated a cult of idiocracy that is rapidly turning into a deadly autocracy. 

In less than four months Trump has managed to sow chaos throughout the country by ignoring the Constitution and dismantling government agencies that Americans desperately need.

The idiots in this country decided they wanted one of their own in power. Trump has liberated their conspircies and promised them paths to power though him. And he's working hard to fulfil that future shock every day.

As it Stands, it's up to sane Americans now to flip this script and run these idiots out of our besieged government before the damage is permanent. We must keep pressure on them by exposing lies and fighting back against their assault on the rule of law in the courts. Democrats - at the very least - must take the House in the midterms. A blue Senate would be a bonus for the republic. Anything is possible when you stand up to idiots.

Walk on the Wild Side: Sniff Like a Dog

People have always admired dogs' super sense of smell. 

That's why we use them for multiple societal tasks, from tracking down lost people, to sniffing out hidden illegal drugs.

They know when we are happy, sad, or sick thanks to their amazing snouts.

(Photo - my dog Mollie gives me backyard tours of things to smell every day.)

Here's a fun fact, dogs have two dedicated, separate routes in their snouts for sniffing and breathing making them natural detectives.

They can use their highly sensitive olfactory organs to locate substances that we never thought had an odor: cancer cells, minute quantities of TNT; three-day old footprint left by a missing person.

Would you like to have a dog's super sniffing power? C'mon don't tell me it wouldn't be interesting. We may not have the same internal snout system, but all is not lost. We already have the equipment, a nose (albeit not as sophisticated as a dog's).

Recently, John McGann, an associate professor at Rutgers, published a review in the journal Science reminding us that human do, after all, have an olfactory bulb. Swedish professor Matthias Laska has extensively demonstrated that in detecting some odors, such as amyl acetate (which smells like a banana), we are plenty sensitive.

Our experience of the flavor of food is mostly due to smell, experienced through the back of the mouth - retronasal olfaction - instead of through the nostrils.

There's no way humans will ever achieve the mastery of smell that dogs enjoy but there are some ways you can improve your sense of smell.

 I recommend reading Alexandra Horowitz's book, "Being a Dog: Following the Dog in the World of Smell."

The author set out to improve her sense of smell by following a dog's lead, as well as that of some olfactory experts, among them a perfumer, a sommelier, and a pair of animal trackers. Dog's excepted, few of these experts were born noses.

Her advise seems pretty simple and straightforward - Stick your nose in it. Consider a dog's daily behavior and contrast it with the frequency with which you see a person with nose smashed against a surface, inhaling calmly and confidently. No comparison. Humans just have to get closer to the source in order to bring more odor molecules into their noses.

It's a worthy read if you love dogs and wish you could improve your sense of smell. Don't worry, you don't have to follow people around sniffing their butts to recognize them when they come into a room!

As it Stands, there are so many odors we don't stop to take the time to appreciate like the smell of freshly mowed grass or the advent of spring.

The Internet is the Worst That Ever Happened to Mankind

Some people may find it amazing to know that the world actually functioned without an internet once.

It's the one modern invention that keeps on attacking...and upsetting societies with floods of misinformation that no other media has been able to match in modern times.

The internet is an evil Pandoras box that disgorges lies, filth, and hate 24-hours a day. Since the early 1990s when the internet became available in homes with dial-up internet the flow of filth has increased yearly, until now it's one of the biggest threats to our society and civilization overall.

There's no doubt in my mind Trump would not have been able to do what he has, turning our democracy into an autocracy, without the help of the internet and the bad actors who abuse it. The original intent of the internet was to allow information exchanges in real time, with a data base that included pathways to knowledge never experienced before. Mountains of information available on every possible subject was part of the package, but it came with unexpected side effects that have grown more deadly every year.

There's never been a propaganda device that can rival the internet's steady streams of lies 24 hours a day. Truth has become a casualty and people don't know what to believe anymore.

Please...don't try to sell me on the benefits of the internet. I would gladly do without it. I would happily give up blogging to see an end to this threat to civilization. I'm confident I could get by without it and so could others. We did once. Remember?

What are the risks of using the internet?

For starters, viruses and hackers. Users' personal information gets extracted by bad actors and their world is never the same after that.

* Malware, also known as malicious code or software is a constant threat.

* Ransomware. It limits users from accessing their system via malware.

* Distributed Denial of Service (DOS) attacks are also common.

* Spam and phishing are a daily challenge and if the user doesn't have protections they are going to regret it. Sometimes these precautions fail to the sophisticated attacks.

* Corporate Account Takeover (CATO) where a company gets held hostage until they pay a fee.

* Automated Teller Machine (ATM) hacked by sophisticated software. 

But the threats don't end there.

You have to protect your children when they use the internet. 

Because there are so many sites designed for kids, they also have become easy targets for bad actors. Predators prowl video games and chat rooms looking for easy victims.

It just gets worse.

Cyberbullying has led to teen suicides. Then there are hackers posting the personal information of young people that will later come back to haunt them. Teens are easily scammed. They also accidently download Malware and infect their computers.

Cyber risks users have to be aware of.

* Drive-by-Cyberattack.

* Poor cyber hygiene.

* Cloud vulnerabilities.

* Mobile device vulnerabilities.

* Poor data management.

* Inadequate post-attack procedures.

As it Stands, I firmly believe that the internet is a threat that has gotten out of hand despite its original intent to benefit mankind.

Trump's first 100 Days: Democracy Assaulted but Americans Weathering the Storm

It only took 100 days for Trump to seize unrestrained power by breaking every rule in the Constitution and defying nearly every norm in our society.

As promised Trump launched Project 2025 within hours after slithering into office.  The whole goal was to flood the zone with so many executive orders any opposition would have trouble keeping up with each new attack against all of the branches of government. A siege against sanity has shaken Americans to their core.

Americans watched with growing concern as the mass firings, cancellations of research grants, university funding cuts and what should be studied in schools unfolded like a horror show. ABC News recently reported about doctors and public health specialists who view these actions as an "attack" on established science.   

The attacks have become daily against our judiciary system and civil rights. Arresting immigrants (and in some extreme cases American citizens) has left a trail of tears across the country as families are deported or rounded up like cattle and denied any rights. 

Laws are flagrantly ignored as undercover masked ICE agents' storm into court houses, schools, and churches. 

They roam the streets of America not showing any ID and kidnap whoever is on their hate list. There's no due process despite the fact the law affords everyone due process.

It been like watching a gang led by the world's richest man as Musk ravages every government department with his Doge boys. Trump gave him carte blanche to gather every Americans personal information, from their Social Security to the IRS no one has been safe. 

Between firing and forced layoffs, many people are quitting for integrity reasons. Take the Department of Justice Civil Rights division for example. Over 100 attorneys left rather than compromise their values and/or lie for a corrupt government that doesn't give a damn about the common man.

Like all dictators Trump has relentless attacked legitimate media going back to his first term. With no guard rails in his second term, he's been successfully bullying all of the major TV networks that don't comply with his demands. 

The latest media causality is 60 Minutes where the executive producer, Bill Owens (40 years there) resigned on April 22nd citing an inability to make "independent decisions" about programing amid Paramount's battle with Trump. Insiders say Paramount Global (CBS News' parent company) has been influencing the show's coverage in order to please Trump.

I think it's safe to say these last 100 days have been the most concentrated attack on everything this country has ever stood for. That's why it's no surprise that Trump's approval rating is the lowest 100-day rating of any president in the past 80 years, with public pushback on most of his policies and extensive economic discontent, including broad fears of recession, according to today's ABC News/Washington Post/Ipsos.

It's rapidly becoming clear that Trump's policies have caused chaos in all sectors of our society and many Americans must be wondering why they voted for the man who would be king. It's been a harsh wake-up for millions but it's not too late to fight for what is right. 

So far, we've seen organized anti-Trump protests in all 50 states. They are going to continue to grow as more Americans decide they can't live this way.

As it Stands, it's not going to be easy to turn the Trump tide, but I have faith in America that when push comes to shove, we'll protect our republic.

A Look at Luck in Our Lives

There are many theories about why some people are luckier than others. 

I have a sister-in-law who I call the slot machine whisperer because she walks into casinos, plays Blackjack on the waiting machines and wins way more than a normal player could ever dream of. Generally, she leaves after getting a nearly impossible hand like a Royal Flush.

There must be a good reason why some people seem inherently luckier than others. Psychologists think they have the answer to that. The consensus is lucky people have a combination of factors that favor their efforts like a positive mindset, proactive behavior, and an ability to notice and act on opportunities.

There are some aspects of luck that are just beyond our control. 

Some people are born into circumstances that provide them with advantages, such as supportive families, good health, or access to resources most people couldn't get. Therefore, I think it's fair to say luck is not an equal opportunity blessing. It depends upon the cards you were dealt.

When I was in Vietnam in 1970 one of my duties as a Combat Engineer was to sweep roads for enemy mines.

I walked miles every day swinging my heavy mine-detector from side to side. 

One day I was careless and nearly lost my life. I somehow stepped onto a mine and froze when my squad leader yelled at me to freeze! Long story short. It was an anti-tank mine and I simply wasn't heavy enough to set it off. Luck? You tell me.

After extensive research luck is, by all accounts, not an outside force. It doesn't "enter" people or "bless" anyone from time to time. 

Researcher Richard Wiseman found that luck is largely a self-controlled force. According to his findings people can actually increase the amount of luck they experience.

Wiseman also claimed that luck is rooted in science and when you believe you're a lucky person it can make you luckier. 

Whatever. Doesn't sound too scientific to me but everyone has an opinion on luck.

In essence, luck is not solely about chance; it's also about the mindset, actions, and opportunities an individual creates for themselves.

Despite all the scholarly papers done about luck I'm hesitant to embrace them all. Instead, I also draw on my personal experiences and that of others around me to try and decode what luck really is. 

As it Stands, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a lucky man for a lot of reasons - not least that I married the love of my life and we've been married 51 years now.

Researchers Gone Wild

Because scientists 

have to get an alphabet of scholastic degrees the general public assumes they know what they're doing when they make discoveries that would/could benefit mankind.

I'm here today to explore what really happens (in all too many cases) in labs - usually funded by grants - where millions go toward such important breakthroughs like teaching Panda bears how to play the drums. See new product, Panda Drums for relaxation. No, really. It's a popular product for Zen devotees.

The following are real studies that have zero benefits for humans and are just plain wild and crazy.

* High flying lunacy: researchers have been studying the ability of pigeons to create art, and the potential for pigeons to be used as artists.

One of my favorites...

* There's been a year's long study that has explored whether woodpeckers experience headaches due to the rapid impact of their beaks on wood.

* Dog fleas vs. Cat fleas: Someone got paid to find out which type of flea can jump higher.

* Spiderman and adhesives: in yet another mind-bending study researchers looked into the feasibility of a human doing what Spiderman does best - wall-climbing. To their dismay they concluded it would be impractical to have adhesive feet.

* Mosquitoes and cheese: the burning question of what type of cheeses mosquitos prefer has yet to be solved as researchers continue to probe mosquitos eating habits.

When it comes to research no topic is safe as students explore and write scholarly papers that would make the rest of us less scholarly types laugh at their absurdity.

Here's an example: in 2012 a student at King's College in London, Rachel Patterson, endeavored to find out if Unicorns were real. Her paper was titled, "The Possibility of Unicorns: Kripke v Dummett," an analysis of two unicorn theorists." The conclusion that there might be unicorns, was less than satisfying. To date I classify unicorns with Big Foot and Yeti.

Big Breakthrough?

A team of psychologists from Plymouth University and Queensland University of Technology have determined, after many hours of Tetris, that the game can become addicting and distract users from doing other stuff for a while like eating, drinking and having sex. 

The question is how did they manage to finish the study?

Here's Five Funny Research Topics to Choose From

1. How to survive in a society of selfish people?

2. Art of theft: unveiling the subtleties and techniques.

3. The origin of silly laws and their importance.

4.Creative approaches to deal with fake news.

5. LOL or BWL: the psychology of internet acronyms.

As it Stands, I've always been curious just how stupid some studies are that manage to get financed by scholarly institutions. Makes me wonder what I'm missing.