When is a Joke Not a Joke?

Whenever the current president of the United States tells a joke people don't know whether to laugh or cry.

A joke is not a joke when it leaves the recipient feeling hurt, minimized, or insulted.

A joke is not a joke when it is used as a shield for harm, an instrument for social division, or a subconscious tool to mask truth.

While the structural definition of a joke requires a punchline or an attempt at humor, the social reality is that humor often ceases to function as a joke when its actual impact and intent becomes malicious.

In toxic dynamics, humor is frequently used to test boundaries, mask cruelty, or deliver a "punch in the gut." Trump is a good example. He's known for his twisted humor that borders on racism, cruelty, and insanity.

When someone realizes they've stepped over a line with their joke, they often use the defense of "I was just joking." Or they may accuse the victim of being "too sensitive." What they are trying to do is control or demean rather than amuse. 

As a matter of fact, jokes relying on humiliation or bullying cease to be true humor and become malicious behavior. Having a malicious narcissist for president is a horrible reality Americans face today.

Trump and his minions are always "punching down" with their brand of humor. Making derogatory jokes about marginalized groups - such as immigrants, people with disabilities, or minority communities - is a tool to perpetuate harmful social stereotypes.

Here's four responses to jokes that experts agree cross the line:

1. Pause and refuse to smile: Do not give the person the validation of a polite laugh.

2. State a direct boundary: Use an explicit phrase like, "Joke or not, that's not how I want to be spoken to." 

3. Call out the lack of humor: If they backpedal by saying they were just kidding, reply firmly with, "I'm all for joking, just not at my expense."

4. Disengage from bigoted comments: For openly racist or prejudiced remarks, a simple "Your ignorance is showing" followed by turning away strips the speaker of the attention they are looking for.

I do have a caution about number four. Be prepared to defend yourself if the speaker physically comes after you. It's not unheard of.

Here's three witty and sarcastic one-liners:

* Mitch Hedberg - "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

* Marilyn Monroe - "I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

* Oscar Wilde - "The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him."

As it Stands, humor can be a double-edged sword.