Things people say: Ordinary people can be drop dead funny

Human speech is directly responsible for almost every thought and emotion we have throughout life's journey. The complexity of language and the complex messages we use it to communicate leave the possibilities wide open for just about anything. Among other things, people can say things that are funny. We pay good money to see comedians say funny things, and a lot of them come through. But due to the nature of the human comic sense, the deliberateness of a comedian can dilute the potential for humor.The humor here is, for the most part, unrehearsed and unintentional:

Accident Reports - Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations:

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

More Slips and Gaffes -

• Excuse Letters -- Letters from parents to teachers, excusing their children from school.
• Courtroom Quotations -- Lawyers take ridiculous steps to be thorough.
• Resume Quotations -- Unwise statements made on resumes and cover letters.
• Patient Charts -- Doctors' remarks on patient charts.
• Church Bulletins -- Unfortunately phrased announcements in church bulletins.
• Classified Ads -- Classified ads that don't necessarily say what they were intended to.
• News Reports -- Newspapers, radio, and television garble news reports.
• Restaurants -- Blundered lines, signs, and menus at restaurants.
• Spoonerisms -- Quotes with words with sitched swounds.
• Words Without Thought -- Bungling the English language.
• The Language Barrier -- When learning English, sometimes being close is still very far away.
• Fortune Cookies -- Bizarre lines taken from actual fortune cookies.

Things Kids Say -

• Kids' Ideas About Love -- 5 to 10 year olds expound on love and marriage.
• Kids' Ideas About Science -- 5th and 6th graders illustrate scientific principles for the layman.
• Kid Quotes -- Young children make hilarious observations.
• Exams and Papers -- 7th through 12th graders give creative wrong answers to exams.
• Classroom Discussion -- Quotes from college kids, spoken during classroom discussions.

Can’t get enough? Go here for Questions, Suggestions, and Complaints – Stupidity - Famous People

World Zombie Day, a ‘fantastical exoskeleton,’ and Dutch coffee shops face curbs on cannabis

Good Morning Humboldt County!

Another day in paradise! It’s beautiful out there so don’t spend too much time reading my offerings this morning. Grab a quick cup of coffee and check out what’s happening in this crazy world we live in:

Join the shambling masses for World Zombie Day

Think zombies milling around Wall Street are a weird, one-time anomaly?

Think again: With World Zombie Day on Saturday, legions of the undead will moan, march and munch on brains in cities across the country. The event was founded in 2008 by Mark Menold, who knows his way around the creepy side of life as Professor Emcee Square, the host (and producer) of “The It’s Alive! Show,” a horror-themed TV program on WGBN in Pittsburgh.

The 'fantastical' exoskeleton that could help patients walk again

A breakthrough study involving monkeys could one day help quadriplegics move and feel again. Here's a quick guide

It might sound like science fiction, but a new experiment very much rooted in reality may help quadriplegics move on their own again — with the aid of robotic exoskeletons. Researchers at Duke University Medical Center attached electrodes to the brains of two monkeys, and trained them to move objects on a computer screen by commanding a virtual arm simply with their minds. Plus, electric sensations could be sent back through the electrodes, convincing the monkeys' brains that they "felt" different textures. The findings, reported in Nature, may have repercussions for people crippled by paralysis.

Dutch coffee shops face new curbs on cannabis sale

- Coffee shops in the Netherlands were left wondering on Saturday how to comply with restrictions announced by the Dutch government on the sale of "strong" cannabis, saying enforcement would be difficult given the laws on production.

The Netherlands is famous for its liberal soft drugs policies. A Dutch citizen can grow a maximum of five cannabis plants at home for personal use but large-scale production and transport is a crime.

On Friday, the coalition government said it would seek to ban what it considered to be highly potent forms of cannabis -- known as "skunk" -- placing them in the same category as hard drugs such as heroin or cocaine. But the industry said the guidelines were not clear enough.

Time to walk on down the road…

Biggest ID theft in history revealed as more than 100 charged

Bank tellers, restaurant workers and other service employees in New York lifted credit card data from residents and foreign tourists as part of an identity theft ring that stretched to China, Europe and the Middle East and victimized thousands, authorities said Friday.

In total, 111 people were charged and 86 are in custody; the others are still being sought. Five separate criminal enterprises operating out of Queens were dismantled. They were hit with hundreds of charges, said Queens District Attorney Richard Brown, calling it the "largest identity theft takedown in U.S. history."

Repugnant backlash over the growing protests across America

I honestly wonder how some of these Republicans are able to sleep at night. They’re already attacking the people who are protesting the inequality of taxes and corporate power in politics. Cantor says he's concerned by 'mobs' at 'Occupy Wall Street'.

Mitt Romney accused the protesters of engaging in "class warfare." Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called them the "Obama demonstrations.” The only honest Republican, Texas Rep. Ron Paul, encouraged the protests.

Representative Paul Broun (R-GA) accused the Occupy Wall Street protestors of attacking businesses and freedom. Broun said the protestors “don’t know why they’re there. They’re just mad,” and that “I see people angry in my district too. But this attack upon business, attack upon industry, attack upon freedom and I think that’s what this is all about.”

Mr. Broun really needs to learn exactly what the word attack means because if peaceful protests can be misconstrued as attacks, then this nation is in worse shape than it appears.

This growing movement is class warfare brought on by the oppression of the wealthy few. So let the Republicans call it whatever they want. They just don’t get it anyway. The majority of Americans are angry and tired of being marginalized by the power of a corrupt federal government and the puppet-master corporations.

Medical marijuana supporters protest at Federal Courthouse in Sac

Medical marijuana supporters are rallying to protest the Obama administration's crackdown on medical cannabis dispensaries outside a press conference by U.S. Attorneys at the Sacramento Federal Court House today from 10 AM to 1 PM.

"The federal government has no business dictating local zoning issues.," says California NORML Director Dale Gieringer. "This is government over-regulation run amok."

The DOJ forfeiture threats are the latest in an escalating series of federal attacks on medical marijuana by the Obama administration:

• The IRS has assessed crippling penalties on tax-paying dispensaries by denying standard expense deductions.

• The Department of Treasury has browbeaten banks into closing accounts of medical marijuana collectives.

• The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms has warned firearms dealers not to sell drugs to medical marijuana users.

• The DEA has blocked a 9-year old petition to reschedule marijuana for medical use, ignoring extensive scientific evidence of its medical efficacy.

            • NIDA has blocked proposed research on medical marijuana to treat post-traumatic stress disorder.

California NORML estimates that the state's medical marijuana industry generates $1.5 - $4.5 billion in business, over $100 million in taxes, and tens of thousands of jobs in the state: www.canorml.org

With the federal budget on empty, the economy in disarray, our prisons overflowing, and prohibition-related violence raging across the border, it's an outrageous misuse of federal resources to wage war on marijuana dispensaries," says California NORML coordinator Dale Gieringer.  "Federal  anti-drug bureaucrats are afraid because the dispensaries are proving that it's possible for marijuana to become a safe, legal, tax-paying industry and so expose their own last-century policies as  bankrupt and obsolete."

Supporters are urged to call on the President to respect state marijuana laws - White House Hotline: 202 -456-1111. A bill to let states regulate medical marijuana legally, H.R. 1983, has been introduced by Rep. Barney Frank.

Release by Dale Gieringer, Director, California NORML

dale@canorml.org - (510) 540-1066

Invasive Starlings, Signs of the Times, and ‘Text Neck’ from Mobile Phones

   Good Morning Humboldt County!

The birds are singing outside (not starlings however) and the sun is slowly stretching over the horizon. Another day in paradise. Don’t worry if you didn’t bring your coffee cup, I have extras and a hot pot of steaming joe ready to go. Are you ready to read?

The Invasive Species We Can Blame On Shakespeare

If you live in North America, you probably recognize European starlings, those little black birds with white polka dots that chirp and chatter and, in the winter, hang out in flocks of thousands. There are 200 million of these birds on the continent, and they can be found as far north as Alaska and as far south as Mexico. Numerous though they are, starlings are actually non-native invasive species. And we can blame Shakespeare for their arrival in America. Steven Marche explains in How Shakespeare Changed Everything:

On March 6, 1890, a New York pharmaceutical manufacturer name Eugene Schieffelin brought natural disaster into the heart of [New York City] completely without meaning to. Through the morning snow, which congealed at times to sleet, sixty starlings, imported at great expense from Europe, accompanied Schieffelin on the ride from his country house into Central Park—the noisy, dirty fulfillment of his plan to introduce every bird mentioned by Shakespeare into North America. Schieffelin loved Shakespeare and he loved birds….The American Acclimatization Society, to which he belonged, had released other avian species found in Shakespeare—the nightingales and skylarks more commonly mentioned in his plays and poems—but none had survived. There was no reason to believe that starlings would fare any better. Schieffelin opened the cages and released the birds into the new world, without the smallest notion of what he was unleashing.

      Signs of the Times

This is one of the most powerful images I've seen emerge from #occupywallstreet.

Not for the drama of the image, but for the devastating truths contained within this sign and the brave Marine holding it.

 

            Mobile phone users suffering from 'text neck'

A new condition dubbed "text neck" is on the rise due to the amount of time people spend hunched over their mobile phone and tablet computer screens, chiropractors have warned. The affliction, caused by flexing the neck for extended periods of time, can be a forerunner of permanent arthritic damage if it goes without treatment. Cases of the repetitive strain injury are on the rise as smart phones and tablet computers such as the iPad become increasingly popular, experts said.

In severe cases the muscles can eventually adapt to fit the flexed position, making it painful to straighten the neck out properly. One chiropractor said her company had treated thousands of patients for the condition, which can also result in headaches and shoulder, arm and wrist pain. Rachael Lancaster, of Freedom Back Clinics in Leeds, said: "Text neck is caused by the neck being flexed for a prolonged period of time.

Time to walk on down the road…

‘No sight is more provocative of awe than is the night sky’

photo source                                        quote by Llewelyn Powys

Feds threaten California pot dispensaries with draconian actions

Shame on Obama!

He lied about not harassing medical marijuana users and dispensaries.

Now the Feds are threatening to seize property and jail the dispensary owners.

I hope that Californians and people from the other states that have legalized marijuana turn out in droves to vote come election time. The Feds are threatening Arcata and Eureka. To my surprise, Eureka didn’t cave in to the threats. It seems that the Feds have cried wolf numerous times, and they really don’t have the money to carry out their nefarious raids. At least that’s what cities like Eureka and Arcata are counting on. It shouldn’t have to be like this. The damn Feds should stay away from state laws and quit trying to overturn them. When will this senseless war on marijuana stop?

Clothes from milk, Sausage the riot dog, and Snappy the orange gator

Good Morning Humboldt County!

What a day! A break in the weather. Grab a cup of coffee and join me for a few quick reads to start your day. We live in a wacky world and here’s proof:

German fashion designer makes clothes from milk

A young fashion designer from the German city of Hanover is revolutionizing high fashion by designing clothes with a staple she can find in her fridge -- milk. Anke Domaske, 28, has developed a fabric called QMilch made from high concentrations of the milk protein casein -- the first man-made fibre produced entirely without chemicals. "It feels like silk and it doesn't smell -- you can wash it just like anything else," Domaske told Reuters.

Tear gas? Woof! It's Sausage the Athens riot dog

There he is, yelping with delight as the youths start hurling chunks of paving stones, barking his admonition at a cordon of cops fending off petrol bombs, sneezing as he scampers through the tear gas.

Meet Sausage the riot dog, an amiable ginger mongrel resident of Syntagma Square in central Athens, who doesn't mind if you show up for a day of mayhem as long as he can join in.

Whenever there's a demonstration, Sausage is there, always taking the side of the protesters and cheerfully lending a sense of comic relief to the occasionally violent proceedings. It's made him a local celebrity. He's appeared on the front of just about every newspaper in Greece and wagged his tail on TV screens and websites around the world.

On Wednesday when state workers marched against government cuts, Sausage was in his usual spot at the front, egging on the crowd with a hearty "Gav!" (Greek for "Woof!"), tripping up baton-wielding officers as they charged down the steps.

Mr. Snappy says it’s not easy being orange

Kermit may find it hard to be green, but he might want to Snappy the crocodile before he starts feeling too sorry for himself.

Snappy, a resident of a wildlife park in Australia, decided to take a bite out of his enclosure's water filter. Unfortunately for Snappy, the water filter bit back: The ph levels from the damaged filter turned Snappy orange. Bright orange.

But all is not lost for the color-challenged croc: Snappy is expected to change back to his original green self soon.

Time to walk on down the road…

Milestones: Goodbye to Steve Jobs and Arthur C. Nielsen

 He took a huge bite out of life and never stopped devouring knowledge. Steve Jobs will be remembered with the greatest inventors of all time. The MAC, The IPAD, the IPhone will always be associated with him

His impact on communications cannot be overstated.

May his family be comforted by his accomplishments. RIP

                  Mr. Ratings – Arthur C. Nielsen - RIP

Arthur C. Nielsen Jr., whose family company has been the final word on whether television shows are hot or not for more than a half-century, has died in the suburban Chicago community where he lived most of his life. He was 92. Nielsen, who died Monday in Winnetka, suffered from Parkinson's disease, his son said. It was the company founded by his father and then run by Nielsen that created the measurement system under which the entire multi-billion-dollar television industry is based and, from the late 1950s on, the name synonymous with U.S. television viewing habits. Children and parents alike wondered who in their neighborhoods was being contacted and asked about what they were watching or, later, whether Nielsen had attached electronic meters to their TV sets.