As It Stands - 2011 Christmas Gift Guide for Readers

 

                 By Dave Stancliff/For The Times-Standard
It’s a week before Christmas Day and you’re still trying to find the perfect gifts for family and friends. You’re concerned, but not panicking yet. You still hope to find something unique for everyone on your Christmas list, but it’s a difficult task.
Shopping days are running out. Every store and online advertisement seems to offer the same stuff - Kiss Me Elmo and an opportunity to purchase an acre of land on Mars (lunarland.com).
Not to worry. I’ve put together a unique gift guide that will give you options you probably never knew were available.
               The 2011 As It Stands Christmas Gift Guide:
Everyone loves to laugh. Armed with this knowledge, let’s look at gifts that will have ‘em rolling in the aisles bedecked with holly. No cook can resist the “Snotty Nose Egg Separator” for a mere $14.99. It’s listed as a top seller on several websites.
Another top online seller is the Remote Control Fart Machine for $14.98. The Whoopi Cushion is so 20th Century compared to this diabolic little noise maker. It should be a popular gift for all ages.
There are Candy Pooping Santa Claus dispensers, Tickle Me Santa Claus Dolls, Farting Santa Butt ornaments, Flashing Santa ornaments, Santa Drinking Hats, Whizzing Santa Dispensers, Light Up Reindeer Men's Undies, Three-Way Santa Hats, Vixen Headgear, Sock Monkey Hoodie Pajamas, Skull ornaments, Blow-Up Christmas Trees, Candy Cane Tea Infusers, Toxic Teddies Collection, and Pull My Finger Santa Dolls.

 You may be interested in some of the gifts I’ve selected this year, so I’ll add them to this gift guide:
  I found a Pooping Reindeer Holiday Sweater for a mere $28.99. The bright colors make your eyes hurt, but at least you’ll be laughing. Another clever gift I selected for several people is a Reindeer Costume for their cars. They’ll get two reindeer horns to mount over the side windows.
 I found Bright Yellow Smiley Face Earmuffs, Light Bulb Candy, Just Say Ho Inflatable Wreaths, Santa’s Coal Bubble Gum, Frosty The Flying Snowman, Elf Soap, and Naughty or Nice Spray Candy for the lucky people on my list.
Nothing says Christmas like a “Christmas Tree In Your Pocket” (a little folding piece of plastic), a Raw Turkey Hat, a Rock N’ Roll Christmas Dog (with a replica of the famous Fender Stratocaster guitar on his lap), Christmas Bottle T-Shirts, Santa’s Remote Controlled Rescue Helicopter, Blitzed’n The Singing Drunken Reindeer stuff toy, Giant Bubblegum Candy Canes, and Christmas Story bandages.

 Pretty overwhelming isn’t it? Just think, I’ve only scratched the surface. There are so many unique gifts to give for the holidays it would take me until next Spring to list them all. Nevertheless, I hope my suggestions have sparked your holiday spirit and sense of humor.
I remember when I was first married 37 years-ago and was the most clueless holiday gift buyer on the planet. Can you believe it? I actually gave my bride a vacuum cleaner for our first Christmas!  
 Needless to say, I wised up as the years rolled by. It was a slow process however. My darling bride put up with the ugliest sweaters and blouses in the world for years before finally admitting they weren’t her “style.” It was a big step in our relationship.
I gave her other gifts that left her shaking her head in wonderment and amazement at how clueless I truly was when it came to buying gifts for her. She naturally assumed that because we lived together I’d know what she likes and doesn’t like. All I can say is, “never assume anything.”
 Then the great breakthrough…she read Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus (by John Gray) and realized we were from separate planets and that I wasn’t as thick-headed as I appeared. Just different.
 In the course of the last few decades I have honed my gift-giving skills to a fine art and that’s why I decided to share them with you today. I especially want to reach out to those men who find it hard to buy gifts for their mates; take heart, there’s hope.
 As It Stands, if you’re a clueless shopper it might not be a bad idea to give John Gray’s insightful book as a gift this Christmas.

I didn’t let the day pass without looking up at the sky in appreciation of the painting it presented…knowing there would never be another like it

Title: Clouds On Fire     Go here to see more stunning photos

Student suspended for ‘Tebowing’, Superhero breast self exams, and ‘Whatever’ is most annoying word says survey

           Good Morning Humboldt County!

 Time flies. Here we are in the weekend and it seems like the week just started. Thanks for stopping by. Step right in and have a cup of coffee with me. Relax and read what I’ve selected for you today.

High-school students suspended for “Tebowing”

Two New York high-school students have been suspended for organizing a bended-knee tribute to Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow

 

Comic superheroes perform breast self exams

An advertising agency in Mozambique has created a new campaign for breast cancer awareness featuring some leading female superheroes performing self breast exams (SBE). The ads feature Wonder Woman, Catwoman, X-Men's Storm and She-Hulk.

The ads feature the caption: "When we talk about breast cancer, there's no women or superwomen. Everybody has to do the self-examination monthly. Fight with us against this enemy and, when in doubt, talk with your doctor."

"Whatever" deemed most annoying word – poll

Do you want to kill a conversation? Try saying "whatever." Words like "you know" and "like" might be irritating to hear, but for the third year in a row, it's "whatever" that holds the most power to annoy, according to an annual survey by the Marist College Institute for Public Opinion.

Nearly four in ten adults named "whatever" as the most annoying verbal filler in casual conversation, while one in five adults had similar disdain for "like" and 'you know."

Time to walk on down the road…

What a party our forefathers had before signing the Constitution

History tells us the delegates who attended the Constitutional Convention spent much of their time getting drunk.

How do we know this?

One surviving document is a bill for a party on September 15, 1787, two days before the signing of the Constitution.

Items on the bill were: 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 8 bottles of whiskey, 8 bottles of cider, 12 bottles of beer, and 7 bowls of alcoholic punch, all for 55 people.
Party on dude!

Double It Up: Can You Make Out The Two Words in This Box?

(source)

Reflections on ‘Tricky Dick’ and sneaky politicians today

Who could forget “Tricky Dick?”

When President Richard Nixon was hounded out of office for being involved in illegal practices (like spying on his political competitors) aka WaterGate – a generation considered him the most corrupt president ever.

21st Century politicians are making Nixon’s crimes look mild in comparison. They’ve become experts at hiding their past public performances to clear the way for moving on to bigger and better positions of power.

The latest example -Romney's missing hard drives raise questions over government records – clearly illustrates how corruption and cover ups are par for the course these days. Things have become easier to hide, always a plus for politicians, both legally and illegally. Romney isn’t the only one that’s scrubbed his past from government computers (paid for by the taxpayers); President Obama did the same thing. It’s not a partisan tactic…all of our politicians seem to think because they claim what they’re doing is legal…it is. Morally, hiding one’s past is not a plus point. The only reason politicians are getting away with it is because they make the laws – they stack the deck – and we keep electing the thieves!

Outwalk the Grim Reaper, Man steals Woman’s car during date, and Cat’s with Thumbs

             Good Morning Humboldt County!

It’s another day in paradise and your invited to stop in and have a cup of coffee. Take a seat and make yourself comfortable. I have a trio of tales for you this morning to start your day. Enjoy:

Walk 3 mph or faster to outpace the Grim Reaper, scientists say

Seniors who walk briskly may be able to delay death, essentially outrunning the Grim Reaper, a new study suggests.

Australian researchers with a wry sense of humor say they have calculated the average walking speed of the specter of death -- and it’s about 2 miles per hour. Walk faster than that and you may outrun the Grim Reaper, too, they argue in a new study published in the latest issue of the British Medical Journal.

              Cops: Man Stole Woman's Car During Movie Date

The 27-year-old Floridian was on a movie date last week with Sarah Bush, 35, when he asked for her car keys so that he could retrieve something from the vehicle. Bush gave him the keys and went back to watching “Immortals” (Pratt had paid for the movie tickets, while Bush shelled out for a nacho combo).

However, Pratt--who had been dating Bush for two weeks--never returned to the Cobb Theater in Wesley Chapel. When Bush departed, she realized that her rented Ford Focus had been stolen. When she called Pratt, he left no doubt about the whereabouts of her wheels: “Ha ha I stole your car,” he said, according to a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office report.

See what cats with thumbs can do…

Cat with thumbs tops TBS review of the funniest commercials of 2011

What do a cat with opposable thumbs, a Sasquatch, and a pug with supersized strength have in common (aside from the fact that, as far as anyone knows, they’re all mythical)?

They’re all part of the commercials that were voted as this year's funniest on Turner Broadcasting System’s annual  “Funniest Commercials of the Year” special, which debuted Wednesday night.

Time to walk on down the road…

American public to Congress: Get out. All of you…

My last T-S column (12/11) Scroll down, or click link on left side of page:

 PAB Award: What Congress deserves for Christmas -

Apparently the pollsters agree with me when I said we had the worst Congress ever last week. Compare my column with the following:

“The American electorate is primed to throw out record numbers of incumbents in the 2012 election, according to new polling from the Pew Research Center.

Everywhere you look in the numbers, which were released this morning, you see political land mines for incumbents.

Sixty seven percent say they want to see most Members of Congress voted out in 2012, the highest that number has ever been in Pew polling. And, while people are more favorably inclined to see their own Member re-elected, (50 percent yes/33 percent no) those numbers still match historic lows.

The Pew data also suggests that incumbents can’t hope to be saved by simply blaming the institutional problems of Congress.” (news source)

New trial in bizarre murder case, Woman gets $6.1 million from unclaimed property, Survey asks ‘If you could rape someone, who would it be?

                 Good Morning Humboldt County!

I’m glad to see you made it this morning. It’s cold outside. C’mon in and have a cup of hot steaming coffee and relax for a little bit. I’ve collected three stories to stimulate your senses as you sip the gourmet brew we’re having today.  

Author Michael Peterson wins new trial in bizarre murder case

Michael Peterson, the best-selling author whose 2003 murder conviction in the death of his wife inspired the movie "The Staircase Murders," has been granted a new trial.

Peterson's motion for a new trial was granted Wednesday based on new evidence suggesting that the original investigation was botched and a bizarre alternative theory that has drawn support from scientific experts: the possibility that an owl killed Kathleen Peterson in Durham, N.C., in 2001.

Missouri woman gets $6.1 million from unclaimed property

The holidays this year will be especially memorable for a Kansas City woman who has received a state record $6.1 million from a Missouri unclaimed property fund consisting of a single security.

The Missouri state treasurer maintains some $600 million of unclaimed property, most of it cash from bank accounts, the contents of safe deposit boxes, stocks and bonds, according to the treasurer's office. The average payout is about $300.

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Frat Survey Asks: ‘If You Could Rape Someone, Who Would it Be?’

The Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity at the University of Vermont (slogan: "Building Balanced Men") is suspended and under investigation by campus police, because they allegedly circulated a quiz among their members that included the following question: "If you could rape anyone who would it be?"

Greeeeat question, guys. How could you possibly be expected to be molded into a well-balanced man without first telling your closest scros who you'd most like to rape? Rape on, scrah. [burlingtonfreepress.com, Screengrab via sigep.org]

Time to walk on down the road…

Temporary delay saves Eureka Mail Processing Center and local jobs until May 2012 – then what?

(editor’s note: I’ve corrected the address below for mailing in comments)

What’s the future hold for the Eureka USPS Processing Center? Will it be shut down? Local jobs lost?

The U.S. Postal Service agreed to delay the closing of 252 mail processing centers and 3,700 local post offices until mid-May yesterday.

There will be a public meeting addressing the challenges the Eureka USPS Processing Center faces when this delay is over.

The meeting is set for Today December 15th at 6:00 p.m. at the Wharfinger Building in Eureka.

 Closing Mail Processing Centers, like ours in Eureka, and cutting service is a penny wise and pound foolish. Reducing the scope and quality of service will not restore the Postal Service to health. What will, is for Congress to act to address the insane 2006 Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act. This act required the Postal Service to pre-fund employees retirement/health benefits 75 years in advance but make payment within 10 years at the tune of 5.5 billion dollars.

Postal Service customers need and deserve first-class service. The Postal Service is
critical to our economy - delivering mail, medicine and packages on time and at
an affordable price, without a dime of taxpayer money.
The Postal Service is the only federal agency to be mandated this pre-funding. No other public agency or
private sector has this requirement. Currently, the Civil Service Retirement System is over funded 50-75 billion. The Federal Employees Retirement System is over funded by 7 billion. The Postal Service would not be recording a deficit if Congress did not impose this unrealistic law. If the Postal Service ignores YOUR comments and letters, here is what to expect:

• It goes against the purpose of the Post Office and is in violation of the law
• It is at the request of large mailers who stand to benefit
• The proposal is a rate increase since local overnight delivery will now be at
  It is at the request of large mailers who stand to benefit
• The proposal is a rate increase since local overnight delivery will now be at
express rates
• Workers, their families and communities will be devastated by the loss/transfer
of jobs
• Veterans returning from wars will have fewer opportunities for living wage jobs
• Checks, other income, and critical time-sensitive documents will be delayed
• Senior Citizens and Veterans medications will be delayed
• Mortgage and other bill payments could be delayed causing late charges or worse
• Election results could be negatively affected by the delay in mail
• Small local businesses and non-profits will see further delay in their local mailings
• The delay in service problems will be even greater for those in rural areas.
• The Postal Service willfully failed to notify all the affected communities of the proposal

This is your Service mandated by law, to provide prompt, reliable, and efficient services to patrons in all areas and shall render postal services to all communities.

For more information about the meeting, or the service you may lose someday contact Mike Hetticher, president of Eureka Local 1056

at 707-616-5265

Let the Postal Service hear your VOICE!!!
Send your comments and letters to:
Manager, Consumer and Industry contact

San Francisco District - P.O. Box 193000

San Francisco, Ca. 94188.

Dec 31st is the deadline for letters