As It Stands - 2011 Christmas Gift Guide for Readers

 

                 By Dave Stancliff/For The Times-Standard
It’s a week before Christmas Day and you’re still trying to find the perfect gifts for family and friends. You’re concerned, but not panicking yet. You still hope to find something unique for everyone on your Christmas list, but it’s a difficult task.
Shopping days are running out. Every store and online advertisement seems to offer the same stuff - Kiss Me Elmo and an opportunity to purchase an acre of land on Mars (lunarland.com).
Not to worry. I’ve put together a unique gift guide that will give you options you probably never knew were available.
               The 2011 As It Stands Christmas Gift Guide:
Everyone loves to laugh. Armed with this knowledge, let’s look at gifts that will have ‘em rolling in the aisles bedecked with holly. No cook can resist the “Snotty Nose Egg Separator” for a mere $14.99. It’s listed as a top seller on several websites.
Another top online seller is the Remote Control Fart Machine for $14.98. The Whoopi Cushion is so 20th Century compared to this diabolic little noise maker. It should be a popular gift for all ages.
There are Candy Pooping Santa Claus dispensers, Tickle Me Santa Claus Dolls, Farting Santa Butt ornaments, Flashing Santa ornaments, Santa Drinking Hats, Whizzing Santa Dispensers, Light Up Reindeer Men's Undies, Three-Way Santa Hats, Vixen Headgear, Sock Monkey Hoodie Pajamas, Skull ornaments, Blow-Up Christmas Trees, Candy Cane Tea Infusers, Toxic Teddies Collection, and Pull My Finger Santa Dolls.

 You may be interested in some of the gifts I’ve selected this year, so I’ll add them to this gift guide:
  I found a Pooping Reindeer Holiday Sweater for a mere $28.99. The bright colors make your eyes hurt, but at least you’ll be laughing. Another clever gift I selected for several people is a Reindeer Costume for their cars. They’ll get two reindeer horns to mount over the side windows.
 I found Bright Yellow Smiley Face Earmuffs, Light Bulb Candy, Just Say Ho Inflatable Wreaths, Santa’s Coal Bubble Gum, Frosty The Flying Snowman, Elf Soap, and Naughty or Nice Spray Candy for the lucky people on my list.
Nothing says Christmas like a “Christmas Tree In Your Pocket” (a little folding piece of plastic), a Raw Turkey Hat, a Rock N’ Roll Christmas Dog (with a replica of the famous Fender Stratocaster guitar on his lap), Christmas Bottle T-Shirts, Santa’s Remote Controlled Rescue Helicopter, Blitzed’n The Singing Drunken Reindeer stuff toy, Giant Bubblegum Candy Canes, and Christmas Story bandages.

 Pretty overwhelming isn’t it? Just think, I’ve only scratched the surface. There are so many unique gifts to give for the holidays it would take me until next Spring to list them all. Nevertheless, I hope my suggestions have sparked your holiday spirit and sense of humor.
I remember when I was first married 37 years-ago and was the most clueless holiday gift buyer on the planet. Can you believe it? I actually gave my bride a vacuum cleaner for our first Christmas!  
 Needless to say, I wised up as the years rolled by. It was a slow process however. My darling bride put up with the ugliest sweaters and blouses in the world for years before finally admitting they weren’t her “style.” It was a big step in our relationship.
I gave her other gifts that left her shaking her head in wonderment and amazement at how clueless I truly was when it came to buying gifts for her. She naturally assumed that because we lived together I’d know what she likes and doesn’t like. All I can say is, “never assume anything.”
 Then the great breakthrough…she read Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus (by John Gray) and realized we were from separate planets and that I wasn’t as thick-headed as I appeared. Just different.
 In the course of the last few decades I have honed my gift-giving skills to a fine art and that’s why I decided to share them with you today. I especially want to reach out to those men who find it hard to buy gifts for their mates; take heart, there’s hope.
 As It Stands, if you’re a clueless shopper it might not be a bad idea to give John Gray’s insightful book as a gift this Christmas.